Aries (March 21–April 19)

Your life this week will be like a badly-designed roller coaster; the ride is over just as it’s getting good. You’ve barely uttered your first whoop of delight when suddenly you’re pulling into the boarding area and someone else is waiting to take your seat. There’s not much you can do about the ride itself; that’s sort of out of your hands. What I would do is focus on the positive. In your case, that’s likely to be the person sitting next to you on the ride, who’s just as disappointed as you are, and just as likely to be game to help you make up something more exciting—and sustainable—to do.

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

While you’re anxiously and impatiently waiting for one specific thing to happen, you’re missing out on a whole host of other great stuff. It’s like you’re awaiting the dawn, and can’t enjoy anything that happens until the sun peeps above the horizon, just because it’s dark. Can you please accept that the sun will come up exactly when scheduled, no matter how hard you wish it would arrive sooner? Then you might be able to stop trying to will the day into existence and just enjoy all the good stuff that’s happening right now, in the wee hours of the morning.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

Your cravings are desperately out of sync with reality, and that’s going to cause buttloads of problems for you this week. Not only will you not be able to enjoy the bowl of strawberry shortcake placed in front of you because it’s not the chocolate mousse you were longing for, but you’ll be so distracted by your desire for one type of companionship that you could completely miss the offers for other (in my opinion, better) forms sent your way. You know that song that goes, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with”? Consider that mantra this week. You may discover that the one you’re with is way better anyway; you just never bothered to notice before.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

A bee in your iced tea at a family picnic could mean a lose-lose situation for everyone concerned. However, if you’re paying attention, you could make it not so bad, by fishing out the bee (still sucks for her) before you drink. Your correct anticipation of potential trouble and astute observation of the situation at hand could help you avoid all potential disasters this week. That’s the good news. The bad news is that there are plenty of crises that require avoidance. Keep your eyes peeled and don’t rest for a second. The bees will never cease contemplating kamikaze dives into your drink. Be ready for them.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

Frequent encounters with the one or two chronically bitter sourpusses you know could be major downers, but please don’t let them get to you. I know these people are bitchy and impossible to please, and that’s horribly annoying. But letting it irritate you will never be helpful. Know that their situation is impossible for you to change. It may be useful to notice and remember that by and large these are desperately unhappy people. That concept, whose truth should be obvious, may trigger the lubricating compassion you need to let their bullshit slide off your back this week.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

As romantic as sex on the beach may sound, those who’ve actually tried it will recall that by and large it’s a rather gritty, potentially uncomfortable affair. You’ll find that to be the case a lot this week—what sounds good in theory will prove less practical when you get down to actually doing it. That doesn’t mean you need to abandon the venture entirely; it just might need a bit of tweaking to work as intended. There’s still plenty of whatever you’re looking for there—it’s just that getting to it might be trickier than you thought. Get creative, and sex on the beach will be just as dreamy and steamy as it was in your head.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

Ooh, snarky! Your silver tongue has taken on a surprisingly sharp edge of late. Usually you don’t like to risk offending people to this degree, but I guess the pressure just built up to intolerable levels, and you had to let people have it, come what may. Personally, I like it. But this shift in your dynamic might require more attitude adjustment than some of your friends are capable of. They’re used to the nonconfrontational version of you, and the person who’s stepped forward, willing to make enemies instead of desperate to be liked by everyone, is someone they may not recognize. There comes a time for every Libra when you have to make a choice between being liked and sticking to your guns. For some of you, that time may come this week.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Get your beauty sleep this week, Scorpio. The stresses you’ll face will seem negligible and ridiculously easy to deal with if you have a certain amount of serenity, patience, and energy. If you don’t have a stockpile of internal resources, however—like if you’re sleep-deprived—you could become completely overwhelmed and break down. So make sure you don’t stretch yourself too thin; you’ll need a lot of resilience and bounce when the shit starts to fly. In other words, take every break you can, and soak up every minute of rest. You want to be ready to jump into action whenever the action starts—and that could be any second now.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Find neutral mental territory. Let’s use animals as an example of what I mean. Some people treat their pets like children. Others think it’s OK to kick a dog because “it’s just a dog.” There’s a happy middle ground here, where animals can be accorded respect and dignity, but not dressed in bibs and baby bonnets and given a seat at the dinner table. You thought you lived in that reasonable land between extremes, but this week you may discover that you’re closer to putting diapers on your dog than you thought. Whatever the subject, find a place where equilibrium, reason, and common sense prevail, and move there right away.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

You like being prepared and knowing what lies ahead so much that you tend to spoil your own surprises. Chances are no one you know is as slick and crafty as you; thus you’re virtually impossible to trick. You tend to uncover plots (both benevolent and malevolent) long before they ever come to fruition. This week you may expose yet another less-than-sinister plan to make you a happier person. Luckily, if you’re clever, no one will discover your discovery. In other words: please pretend you’re surprised when the thing actually happens. It’ll make everyone—including you—happier, which was kind of the point all along.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

A friend of mine recently had a baby and was accosted by all kinds of Mommy Nazis when they saw her bottle-feeding her kid. For medical reasons, she wasn’t able to breast-feed the child, but these would-be do-gooders were relentless, verging on cruel at times, accusing her of child abuse for “denying” her infant breast milk. Beware this kind of thing this week, Aquarius. You may feel strongly about a subject, but just like those fascistic mammarians, you don’t know the whole story. Give people the benefit of the doubt (or just mind your own business), please.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

No one’s going to understand your “system” for doing things. By your own admission, it’s illogical and inefficient. The thing is, it works for you, and you’re the only person it has to work for. Don’t feel compelled to do things a different way just because other people don’t get it. Go ahead with the methods you know will get you results. Some people may bitch, whine, and question you, but as long as you don’t let that rattle you, you should be able to produce something that’s better than they expected. Allow them to make you nervous or filled with self-doubt, though, and it’s all for naught; they’ll have proven themselves right.