Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20)

Even you, with your above-average levels of patience and compassion, may find yourself tested this week. Even you can only take so much shit before you explode. Unfortunately, because you’re used to insensitive bores, and abnormally tolerant of them, you haven’t developed your brush-off and evasion skills as well as some of the rest of us. You need a partner in crime to help you prevent a scene. Find a Libra; they’re experts at avoiding confrontation. Failing that, grab a Leo and beg them to escort you to the nearest exit. At least that way, if you get caught, you’ll have someone who can roar louder than any of the folks you’re trying to avoid.

Aries (March 21–April 19)

I know it’s cliché, but if your life were an amusement park ride, it would definitely be a roller coaster. Other people get to ride the kiddie train, enjoying a smooth, stress-free, predictable path from point A to point B. Some get stuck on the merry-go-round and never get anywhere. This week you can get off the ride you’re on and change it up for something else, but I wouldn’t, if I were you. Even though you might be sick of the tumultuous ups and downs, at the moment, I really don’t think you’d ultimately want it any other way (at least not for long).

Taurus (April 20–May 20)

You’ve got spiritual chicken pox. Don’t scratch that itch; it’ll leave a scar. Right now you’ve got to do what it takes to keep yourself from going there, because the consequences aren’t worth the brief satisfaction you’d get out of indulging yourself. Have someone bind your hands in oven mitts and duct tape. Provide yourself with an endless stream of distractions so you don’t succumb to the urge to scratch yourself until you bleed. Eventually, in a week or two, the temptation to scar yourself for a fleeting moment of pleasure will fade, and you’ll be able to remove the oven mitts and get on with your life—just not yet.

Gemini (May 21–June 20)

You’re charming. This is both a strength and a weakness, I’m afraid. Your habit of turning up the volume on your charisma when things aren’t quite going your way is sometimes a bad one. Unfortunately, it’s had a lot of reinforcement over the years, since it almost always works. What’s the problem? This week, it won’t. Those you’re dealing with are immune (or perhaps even averse) to charm. Because this has been your crutch, your available alternative tools are almost nonexistent. I’m afraid you’re going to have to do this directly. If you can prove you’re actually better than your competition, and not just better-looking, you might still turn this the way you want it go.

Cancer (June 21–July 22)

Forget revenge. Harboring thoughts or plans of vengeance, or worse, enacting them, would be way too damaging to your psyche, soul, and overall well-being. It may feel unthinkable to just let things go without getting in at least the last word, yet that is quite simply what you should do this week. Of course, you can go ahead and succumb to the temptation to lash out, one last time, at those who’ve wronged you, but don’t say you weren’t warned. This could be over now, if you let it be. Or it could haunt you for months or perhaps years. It’s your choice.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)

You know what a difference a tiny taste of hedonistic pleasure can make; you’re quick enough to reward yourself with these whenever you feel the need. It helps you get through the bullshit and suffering that so much of life is. It’s that spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down. Share your leonine wisdom. Please stop watching someone else struggle with a difficult time without offering (or insisting) upon that little bit of pleasure that will make things so much better, or at least more bearable. It’s what you wish someone would do for you, isn’t it?

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22)

You’ve been hunting forever, and still you haven’t managed to trap your quarry. I’m sure it’s occurred to you that you may not even be looking in the right place, or using the right methods, but since you can’t think of anywhere else to look or any better way to go about it, you just keep soldiering on. Unfortunately, because of your energetic, determined, and exceedingly stubborn nature, it’s never even crossed your mind to give up. This is why you have friends and a friendly neighborhood astrologer—to tell you to. This is not going to happen. Give up. Stop wasting your time and use it for something that will actually do you good.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)

You think you might find happiness in the bottom of that cup, which is why you keep overturning the thing, trying to find that last drop, but it’s just not there to be found, I’m afraid. I appreciate your willingness to follow this road to the very end of the line, but don’t be bitter that it didn’t go where you wanted it to. It’s time to wash the dishes, recycle the empty bottles, and look for serenity and joy elsewhere. You can’t say you didn’t try it this way. By now you ought to have definitive proof that it didn’t work. Are you really too stubborn to change things up, or can you be flexible enough to opt for something completely new?

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)

Don’t let yourself get derailed. It doesn’t happen to you often; usually your single-mindedness keeps you pretty much unshakably on track. Not this time, though. There are too many forces at work here for you to be able to rely on your usual levels of obsessiveness. Remember the other times you’ve floundered and gone astray from the path you’d chosen, and how long it took you to find it again. Your increased determination ought to help, but it might not be enough. If you think you might not be able to navigate at the moment, ask for help. I don’t think Jesus is about to take the wheel, but one of your friends might.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21)

Don’t worry, you haven’t become boring, even if you’re going through a less-than-thrilling phase. You like to think of yourself as a wild one, which is why you’re more surprised than anyone when your desires run to the tame, the vanilla, and the safe. Just go with it. Even the wildest of daredevils needs a safe place to start from, before she hurls herself from a cliff or under a train. Maybe you just need a break. Or maybe this is the wind-up for a wilder adventure than you’ve so far been on. This could be the flat ground for your running start. Is it?

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)

This week you have permission not to apologize (unless you’ve actually done something wrong). You don’t have to say you’re sorry for who you are or for not being into something or for your interests. It is what it is, and people who are intent on criticizing you for it had better get some better hobbies. You’re under a lot of scrutiny lately, and it’s not fair. I do hope you put yourself under the magnifying glass periodically, and check that what you’re doing is on the up and up and good for you and yours. But that’s not anyone else’s business. Remember that this week, when people insist otherwise.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

What was up with all the drama this winter? Was it because people were cooped up with nothing better to do? I know you’re as relieved as I am that the temperature’s changing; hopefully we’ll see some variation in the emotional climate, too. However, just as spring generally comes in heralded by stormy rains, there’s probably another tempestuous drama on your horizon as well. Weather it as well as you can, Aquarius, and do your best to minimize the fallout and damage. Stay strong and watch for the green shoots of new beginnings. They’re what will get you through winter’s last few freak-outs.