DEAR PET LADY,

I recently had a dream about two cats that required transportation to some unknown destination. My solution was to zip one cat inside the other. But when I tried to transport the resulting one-cat package, the zipper broke, and the inside cat fell out. Neither cat seemed particularly disturbed by this attempted zipping, but am I disturbed?

Bemused and Confused

DEAR B. AND C.,

Ah, sleep that knits up the raveled sleeve of care, as well as providing us with ample reason to question the entire cardigan sweater of our sanity. As you failed to enclose a diagram of your dream, the Pet Lady commissioned an Artist’s Rendering of the pertinent aspect in the hopes of laying your fears to rest. You will see here that, as in your bizarre unconscious, the cats are not displeased to be so zippered—in this instance, so undispleased are they that they are undertaking it themselves. And while your bemusement and confusion do not obviate your being seriously disturbed, it would seem

to the Pet Lady that if neither you nor the dream cat zipper or zippee were upset, all is likely well; though the Pet Lady is somewhat concerned that you may be suffering from Packing Anxiety, which often manifests itself in dreams where one is out of control of one’s luggage, destination, the inexorable hurtling forward of time, etc. The Pet Lady herself suffered from Packing Anxiety for many years and was only able to overcome it by relaxing on the divan whilst supervising someone else packing for her, chatting nicely about the fractured nature of modern life.

The Pet Lady once had a dream about a talking duck (with a pleasant speaking voice, none of that cartoonish squawking), and far from making her fear that she was imbalanced, it made her so morose that such ducks do not exist that she had to have several mimosas and return to bed. Shouldn’t cats have zippers? Perhaps our dreams, dear B. and C., serve not to illuminate our own insanity but, rather, the dreadful inadequacy of the waking world. The Pet Lady suggests you follow her lead and take solace in an adult beverage and a nice nap.

The Pet Lady

Send your pet query and depiction to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.