Dearest Pet Lady,
I have a problem concerning my dog. Let’s call her “Bitchy.” She is constantly licking everything, especially the bed. She licks so much that she soaks through my blanket into the sheets. Is this normal? What can I do to stop this?
Also, I hear that female dogs sometimes have a problem with leaking urine. “Bitchy” has accidents. Is there anything I can do to stop this as well?
Fed Up With Saliva and Pee
DEAR F.U.W.S.A.P.,
The Pet Lady finds it most curious that you withhold your fur friend’s real name. Why ever would this be? The mind reels: Would “Bitchy” be distraught to see her plight publicized? Is “Bitchy” in the witness protection program? Or just on the lam? Must we call her “Bitchy”? What is wrong with “Licky,” the obvious choice of pseudonym? Let us call her that, shall we?
Without further ado, to your questions, dear F.U.W.S.A.P.: No, no—as you sense, this unending licking on the part of Licky is not at all normal. Normal dog licking behavior, while often disturbing and disgusting, is far more erratic and infrequent; without a doubt, Licky licks too much. The fact that it is often the bed that is the object of Licky’s peculiar assault seems telling to the Pet Lady: It may be the case that Licky is deficient in some nutrient in which blankets are naturally rich.
The Pet Lady had been, up until this moment, blissfully unaware that female dogs are prone to leakage; wherever did you hear this, F.U.W.S.A.P.? But surely many dear readers will fill the P.L.’s mailbox with many dear letters about this matter, and the P.L. will have to accidentally drop them behind the divan and have a martini to forget about both the letters and this apparent phenomenon. The P.L. urges you to consult a Pet Physician about the licking and the rest, as she cannot contemplate this further.
Cheers and best wishes for a dry sleeping environment,
The Pet Lady
DEAR PET LADY,
My co-workers say she looks like a scary demon-dog in this picture, but I think she looks like her own beautiful self. The effect was somewhat disconcerting when I first noticed it around a campfire outside of Spokane, though. . . .
Trace
DEAR TRACE,
The Department of Art reports that this photograph will be reproduced in black and white, which is a crying shame, for this is one of the most bizarre images the Pet Lady has ever had the pleasure of viewing. For the benefit of the dear readers, the pet depicted here has one eye (her right) of Santa-Claus-suit red and one eye (her left) of rich-pea-soup green. Thank you, dear Trace, for giving the P.L. something to ponder late at night and the dear readers something to color with their felt-tip pens.
Best to you and your strange-eyed dog,
The Pet Lady
Leaky pet difficulty? Send photos and letters to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.
