DEAR PET LADY,
Neighborhood cats regularly break into my apartment and avail themselves of the comforts therein. These are not just any cats—they are brutish thugs, hell-bent on making my place their own. The Landlord’s regulations prevent me from securing protection in the form of my own big, vicious animal. My hatches are firmly battened down, but still they break in. I am a prisoner in my own home. Please help me.
Trapped in Green Lake
DEAR T.I.G.,
The Pet Lady is so sorry to hear you are under siege. You do not mention precisely what comforts this gang of marauding felines are availing themselves of. In the not-too-distant past, the Pet Lady had a small, striped cat visitor she called Screamy, as he would make his presence within the Pet Manse known by standing in the centre of the kitchen and screaming thusly: “MEOW! MEOW!” etc. The Pet Lady found the visits of Screamy tolerable and even somewhat amusing until the day Screamy availed himself of the comfort of relieving himself on the Pet Lady’s draperies. Screamy’s access to the Manse was easily curtailed as he had been entering through a cat door, which was sealed with a length of duct tape (the Pet Lady is quite handy); but it seems you are unable to secure your Green Lake premises. The Pet Lady sadly tenders the suggestion that you move to a less rough-and-tumble neighborhood where you will be safe from cat-thugs. The Pet Lady hears Portland, Ore., is nice and quiet. Best of luck,
The Pet Lady
DEAR PET LADY,
Birds at our backyard bird feeder spill a lot of sunflower seeds on the grass below. This attracts other critters, notably, a brace of squirrels and a trio of banded rock doves. Occasionally, one sees a squirrel and a pigeon—whoops, banded rock dove—engage in threatening behavior. They stand erect, circle, puff up, and jump at each other! Superficially this is amusing, but I fear actual bloodshed. Should I intervene? Should I stop feeding the birds?
Uncertain
DEAR U.,
Intervention is often its own punishment; many, many situations in this life are so much better left to play themselves out. The trick is in discerning which these are. Ought one to offer one’s seat on the bus in Rome, Italy, to a tiny wizened nun? Yes, one ought. Ought one attempt to halt the ongoing travesty of coiffure of one’s co-worker? No, one ought not. Ought one to place oneself anywhere near the middle of a battle over seed ownership between possibly rabid small wild animals? No; no, certainly not. The Pet Lady doubts that this squirrel puffery and flying rodent—whoops, banded rock dove—jumpery will lead to any mortal combat. They’re just trying to impress each other and, in so doing, have apparently succeeded in impressing you, U.
The Pet Lady
E-mail to thepetlady@seattleweekly.com or send by land to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
