DEAR PET LADY,

My wife and I have had a horrible run of bad luck. First, the puppy we chose out of the litter is the most handsome dog ever. Next, we are cursed with the two cutest kids in the whole world. All our “friends” now hate us because they will never live up to our high standards. Are they just envious and bitter or what? What should we do?

Beautiful in Ballard

DEAR B.I.B.,

Woe is indeed you, friend! This dog is terribly handsome, rivaling our previous titleholder of Most Handsome Canine, Pete [see The Pet Lady, April 12], and these children are unspeakably, unbearably cute. Are you sure, B.I.B., that this photo is not one of those preternaturally perfect ones that comes with a frame? Such beauty is rare.

Ballard is lovely this time of year, isn’t it? The Pet Lady’s Corvair mechanic, Rocky, does his fine work at a shop in scenic Ballard. The last time the Corvair visited Rocky, he described her, thrillingly, as “temperamental.” Temperamental, indeed; now she is making a slightly alarming clicking noise in front of the steering wheel, slightly more alarming since the Corvair is a rear-engine vehicle (designed by a young John DeLorean! Fancy that). But despite possibly having a bomb in her firewall, the Corvair is perhaps the most beautiful car in the great state of Washington, prompting even ambulance drivers to slow down and give the thumbs-up.

Near-perfection is indeed a difficult state in which to exist; when the Pet Lady encounters the envious and/or bitter, she takes them for a nice spin and administers a cocktail afterward. As you dwell in Ballard and presumably drive some type of offspring-oriented vehicle, it would probably be more fitting to have your jealous friends over for a nice backyard barbecue and permit them to pat the children and play with the dog and give them bottles of beer firmly ensconced in those foam cup-holders to keep both the beer cold and the hand unchilled, thus deploying the Buddhist concept of Upaya, that is, adapting your method to your audience.

The Pet Lady will have the Pet Secretary telephone you when she pilots the Corvair to Rocky in order to have him investigate the noise; perhaps she may join you all for a beer (nonalcoholic for the children, of course).

Best to the whole family,

The Pet Lady

Send your pet query and depiction to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.