The Mariners open their season at Safeco Field on Monday, April 6, with sky-high hopes. Experts at ESPN, Sports Illustrated, and Baseball Prospectus all think the Mariners will make the playoffs. Why all the love for a team that hasn’t seen the postseason since Pierce Brosnan was James Bond? I’ve compiled a dossier of recent developments, and explain what they portend for the M’s postseason dreams.
Nelson Cruz joining the team. Cruz hit the most home runs in the majors last year. So, yeah, adding him is a big reason for optimism.
Zayn Malik leaving One Direction. While many M’s will be playing with heavy hearts, this is unlikely to affect their playoff chances.
The weakness of the American League West. Oakland traded away half their team; Los Angeles’ starting rotation has injury and decline issues; Texas is talented but old; Houston is young but not talented. The Mariners are sitting pretty.
The strength of the American dollar. Morale will be high as players anticipate their May road trip to Toronto—cheap poutine!
How good the Mariners were last year. The team’s 87-75 record in 2014 is a strong signal that 2015 will be a success season, especially since they have nearly every key player back.
How bad the dialogue in Game of Thrones is. Kidding! Game of Thrones is by far the most amazing literary accomplishment in the history of humankind! Please put down your swords.
How young the players are. Young players get better, old players get worse. The Mariners’ likely starting lineup is, on average, 28.4 years old. This means that, on average, the Mariners were born a full year after The Goonies came out. This will have many fans feeling hopeful, and old.
How old their walk-up music is. Someone could stand to bookmark Pitchfork on some of these guys’ iPads. “Fortunate Son,” Dustin Ackley? Even Pierce Brosnan thinks that’s lame.
The team’s new commitment to job-sharing. Left-handed hitter Seth Smith and righty Justin Ruggiano will split right field duties, while lefty Dustin Ackley and righty Rickie Weeks share left field. It’s called platooning—exploiting the natural advantage that lefty hitters have against righties, and vice versa—and it should dramatically improve offensive production.
The club’s ongoing commitment to children. The M’s have scheduled two “salute to kids” days and a “kids’ appreciation day.” M’s players will have extra motivation to avoid breaking the precious hearts of Seattle’s adolescents.
The Logan Morrison heckle switch. Spread the word about this intriguing phenomenon: Apparently first baseman Logan Morrison plays better when heckled. With enthusiastic participation by normally reticent Seattleites, we can inspire Morrison to a career year.
The Safeco Field beer selection. The ever-changing selection of microbrews, cask ales, and booze options makes every trip to Safeco a mini-brewery visit as well. Well-lubricated fans cheer louder. Cheered ballplayers play harder.
sportsball@seattleweekly.com
