The following is a List of People I Do Not Want to Run Into at This Year’s Pride Festivities When the Entire Gay Universe is Out, Trying to Get Laid, and Forcing Me to Feign Complete Satisfaction With the Way Things Are Going for Me.
Anyone I’ve ever dated who is not contrite about my absence from his life.
Who needs an encounter with someone not willing to show just a little bit of remorse about the fact that you’re not around anymore? I like to live under the delusion that all ex- something-or-others eventually crumble without what I’ve chosen to believe is my singular intellect, even if, in reality, they’re all over- joyed that they’ll never again have to hear my theory about how very talented Madonna actually is.
Anyone I’ve ever dated who is currently looking better than anyone I’ve ever dated.
You have to hate the chance meeting with an ex-something who has miraculously transformed himself into the hot human being he never really was when you were seeing him. Working in tandem with the above-mentioned contrite rule, an ex-something should allow his physical appeal to wane as a result of the turmoil he’s feeling inside now that he doesn’t have me around to explain the deep subtextual message of “Into the Groove.” Ex-somethings should only approach me looking fat, balding, and sad- eyed, preferably wearing at least one appalling item of clothing, like white jeans or a shirt from International Male.
Anyone I’ve ever dated who has his tongue down the throat of someone who looks better than anyone I’ve ever dated.
A suddenly hot-looking ex-something is bad enough—what I absolutely can’t tolerate is a former playmate of mine who’s just as shaggy and stupid as he ever was but has somehow managed to attract Brad Pitt. (How do things like that happen, anyway?) It’s mean and it’s inconsiderate, and it requires you to become one of those snorting phonies who says things like, “Well, I’m glad to see him happy. . . . “
Anyone I’ve ever dated who says things like, “I’m glad to see you happy.”
No one really thinks, “God, it’s great to see that person living without me.” Please. No ex-something is ever really glad you’re happy, and if he says he’s glad, then he is (a) an annoyingly earnest liar or, worse, (b) an annoyingly self- actualized person whose maturity can only shame you and cause your carefully constructed view of humanity to pathetically crumble.
Anyone I’ve ever dated.
Let’s just lay it on the line.
Now, good gentleman, when the sun comes out this happy weekend, please don’t rain on my parade.
