I met this girl online about a year ago. We became very close friends, and we got into the routine of calling each other a couple times a week. Then I made the mistake of falling in love with her. I didn’t tell her, though, because she had a boyfriend.
About five months ago, she admitted she had feelings for me, even though she was still going out with her boyfriend. I told her I felt the same way, but things became awkward after that. We tried going on as though things were the same, but it didn’t really work. She eventually broke up with the boyfriend, started dating other people, and now has a different boyfriend. Occasionally she e-mails me, but we don’t talk anymore because she “doesn’t have time.”
Should I move on? And if so, how do I get over her? I’ve been trying for months, and I still miss her a lot. She’s the closest friend I’ve ever had, and I’m still in love with her, too. Help!
19 and Stuck
Sweet pea, have you actually ever met this woman? Normally I would assume you had, but I’ve come across several people recently who’ve claimed to be “in love” with folks they’ve never even seen in the flesh. And it sounds like this might be the case here.
I just finished a book called He’s Just Not That Into You, which, though written for a woman’s benefit, is very appropriate in this situation. She is not interested in you. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you—you’re just not for her. So get over her and move on. I know it’s rough, but go cold turkey. Keep yourself busy with other things (offline) and ride it out.
And if I’m correct in my assumption that you’ve never actually met this alleged woman face-to-face, take solace in the fact that maybe she doesn’t want to get with you because that would entail you discovering that the lithe teenage lassie you think you’re corresponding with is actually a morbidly obese 35-year-old housewife with 10 kids and too much time on her hands. Just a thought.
I’ve been dating this guy for about three months, when he’s around. On top of an insane travel schedule for work, he’s not very communicative.
Until now, it wasn’t much of a big deal because I’m not sure if we’re right for one another. But I think I’m starting to grow attached. Before he left for his most recent trip, I freaked out and started tossing and turning in the middle of the night. He said he couldn’t sleep and went home to sleep, hopped on an early flight, and then moved on to a two-week international business trip.
I called him the next morning and told him I understood and that we’re fine. But I’m not. Inside, I’m continuing to freak out. He’s away now, and the only thing I’ve heard for a week is an e-mail that said, “Hey :-).” I find myself flirting with other guys, including e-mailing with an ex (very bad, I know).
What do I do? He’s an interesting person whom I might want to take a chance on, but I’m afraid the communication (and fundamental presence/ absence) problems are an omen.
Here While He’s There
Once again, I’m going to crack open my handy-dandy advance review galley of He’s Just Not That Into You. Thumbing straight to a chapter entitled “He’s Just Not That Into You If He’s Not Calling You,” I scroll down and read, “With the advent of cellphones and speed dialing it is almost impossible not to call you. Sometimes I call people from my pants pocket when I don’t even mean to.” Good point!
Now, while this book is overly simplistic in its take (if a guy does stupid, thoughtless crap, it’s because he doesn’t like you very much), it does provide a sometimes-necessary slap in the face. As women, we tend to examine behaviors and see more than is actually there. The bottom line is, this guy is not there on any level—physically or emotionally. Plus, he utilizes the dread emoticon in lieu of words. Blech.
My advice: Move on and flirt on, sister!
Get a move on! Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
