I am a 50-year-old guy who hasn’t gotten it up in years. What can I do?

Have you tried touching it? I’d definitely start off by thinking up some naughty thoughts and giving the ole wein a tug or two. Perhaps you could peruse a nudie mag while making slappy with Mr. Happy—that seems to work for a lot of fellas. Maybe even throw a little hand cream and mood lighting into the mix! If you prefer your pictures to be of the moving variety, you could always rent a porno video. Adult-video-store clerks are notoriously friendly and helpful, so just head down to your local smut emporium and ask Peter Pornstore for his recommendations.

And sure, these suggestions are rather simplistic (bordering on moronic), but if you’ve been boner-free for years and are e-mailing advice columnists instead of ordering black-market Viagra off the Internet, you really don’t deserve all those erections you’ve been missing.

I am a mid-40s married man with children. I have never had any type of homosexual relationship and am not the least bit attracted to men. However, lately I have been having sexual fantasies about transsexual women. I am only attracted to the very feminine ones, and up until now it has not gone beyond fantasies and masturbation. I just went out of town on business, got a little drunk, and decided to make a “date” with one. She was very beautiful, and I was very attracted to her. I paid for, and received, a few hours of her time. We didn’t have sex—by my decision. We had such a good time together that she ended up spending the next day with me (for no money). I really enjoyed our time together. We never had any sex (again by my choice), and now I have these fantasies of us running off to get her an operation that she desperately wants, and us living happily ever after. Of course, I could never really do this because I love my wife and kids and would never subject them to this type of thing. What do I do now? Get some serious psych help, or just forget the whole thing? Is this the most fucked-up thing you’ve ever heard? I’m sorry to burden you with this, but I’m desperate for some help.

How very Pretty (almost-) Woman! Please take solace in the fact that this is far from the most fucked-up thing I’ve ever heard. You’re having a mid-life crisis, albeit one with a twist (and a dick), and are making your life a whole lot more dramatic than it has to be in the process.

Let’s discuss your alleged heterosexuality first. You use the word transsexual, but from your angst, I’m assuming your yen is for pre-ops, not post. I’m no shrink, but how straight are you if you’re craving cock—no matter how pretty a package said penis is attached to? There are loads of allegedly straight guys who get all hot and bothered over chicks with dicks, and subsequently tons of trannies who end up getting their asses kicked after Mr. Repressed Trick freaks out about the fact that he just got head off a guy. Homophobic Closet Cases are funny that way. So unless you’re at peace with the fact that you’re probably not as het as you like to think you are, save yourself and Ms. Side Action some tears.

Speaking of which, realistically, how would you feel about her once the rod and tackle go bye bye and all you’re left with is a broad with broad shoulders? Are your post-op fantasies as compelling as the pre-op ones? That you fell for the first shemale you stumbled across makes me think you’re probably projecting a lot of crap onto this girlie that has no basis in reality.

What I would suggest is that you calm down. You and the Happy Hooker are most likely not going to ride off into the sunset together. And yes, you should definitely get into therapy. Not because there’s anything wrong with being attracted to transsexuals, but because you seem to be so conflicted about it. A licensed professional can help you figure out whether you should stay married or take that walk on the wild side.

Calm down, already! Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.