The Seattle Great Wheel is now in full operation. Filling the waterfront with carnival-like enjoyment the likes of which have rarely been seen, the giant Ferris wheel rotates riders into the atmosphere and offers breathtaking views of our city. But, like most things in life, there are rules.
Yes, once you’re comfortably inside one of the Great Wheel pods, you’re greeted by a graphic illustration of all the super-obvious things that are not allowed while partaking of the Ferris wheel’s circular and skyward journey (see pictures above). No opening the doors. No rocking the pod. It’s all very basic.
Sadly, after further inspection and careful contemplation, we’re afraid the rule-makers may not have gone far enough. While the current rules provide a good starting point for safety, here are a few more things you should absolutely avoid while riding the Great Wheel.
No Shitting
There’s no doubt about it: When you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. Just don’t go on the Great Wheel. There are plenty of places throughout downtown Seattle where people regularly take shits. Let’s not turn the Great Wheel into one of those places. At least not for a while.
No Dropping Kittens
This one may seem kind of obvious, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. At least Fluffy sure thinks so.
No Jazzercise
Staying in shape is important. But for safety’s sake, there’s absolutely no jazzercise allowed on the Great Wheel.
No Fedoras
This rule is bound to be controversial. I know it’s tempting, gentlemen, but please avoid silly hats while riding the Great Wheel. They may seem cool now, but five years from this day you’ll look back on that fedora and wonder what the fuck you were thinking. The Seattle Great Wheel is about having fun, not regret.
No Hotboxing Your Pod
It seems so obvious. There you are, tightly enclosed, joyfully being transported through the sky . . . but hotboxing your pod is strictly prohibited! Pro tip: Just hotbox your ’86 Corolla before heading up.
No Shooting People
Perhaps this rule should apply both to those riding the Great Wheel and those on the ground in regular old Seattle. Just a thought. Might be nice.
