“Sexual love, so inequitably praised by the society, in reality is nothing but a serious mental disease, and has numerous negative consequences: from depression and loss of working efficiency to crime and suicide.”—from the Anti-Sex Stronghold (http://www.ktk.ru/~cm/index.html)

Nothing like the Web to make you feel like less of a nutjob. I was innocently wending my way through porno sites when I stumbled across the above. Next I came across the intriguingly titled “Alana’s Involuntary Celibacy Project” (http://www.ncf.carleton.ca/~ad097/ic-home.html). Jackpot! Alana, who recently discovered she’s a lesbian, has dedicated her life (or at least her Web site) to the fact that she can’t get laid. While the overearnest tone of her writing makes it an easy mock (at least if you’re a bitch like me), you’ve got to admire the moxie of someone who’s so open about her lack of action.

Alana’s prose is vaguely academic, so in scholarly tradition she’s coined some handy acronyms: An INCEL is someone who is involuntarily celibate; a MARCEL is someone who’s married and not gittin’ any (though why you’d bother getting hitched to someone who won’t/can’t fuck you is beyond me).

Touring the celibacy Web ring (yes, there actually is such a thing) got me thinking about the lack of action between my sheets. I haven’t had sex in a while, and if my mail is any indication, several of my readers could also join the INCEL sorority. While my own lack o’ lovin’ isn’t strictly involuntary, it’s not completely voluntary either. I’ve had a few offers these last few lonely months, but much to my surprise, I no longer have the stomach for one-nighters. (Plus, I’ve placed myself on sexual probation due to alarmingly bad taste in sex partners.)

My friend Babette and I were discussing the ins and outs of our chaste lives and came to the conclusion that gay men have the easiest time finding willing sex partners. “Who invented the glory hole?” she pointed out. After them came (or not) straight women. (Hmm, are you sensing a trend? Both these groups have sex with men!) I realized a long time ago that if you’re a breeder bitch in need of a night of passion, you need not do much more than walk into your local bar, select the least repellent male specimen, take him by the hand, and return to your lair. You may not land yourself Mr. Right, but you will get a piece. If, like me, you are holding out for a man who is entertaining in and out of the sack, it’s far more difficult. But we’re talking about getting fucked here—not finding our life’s love.

We concluded that lesbians and straight men have the hardest time finding no-strings sex. Babette, in addition to being a nondrinker, which rules out bars (but unfortunately not because she is an alcoholic—that would provide her with the hotbed of booty that is AA), also despises team sports, which eliminates the world of lesbian softball. Though this sucks, I pointed out that lesbians are well known for being more forgiving of the type of physical flaws that gay and straight men consider deal-breakers. “One of the biggest clich鳠about lesbians is that they’re more into the real person inside—that’s such bullshit,” she growled. “They’re driven by physical parameters as much as anyone else.” Damn. There goes Plan B.

So that leaves us with the category of straight men. Esteban, a model-turned-graphic-designer, is one of my most shocking cases. He’s just so cute! And he hasn’t had sex in over a year! I asked him about this astonishing fact and he shrugged, “It’s better not to have sex at all than to have bad sex. And a lot of people are having bad sex—it’s written all over their faces.” So that’s what that look is!

I phoned Nick, an ex-boyfriend, to ask why he’s been keeping his pants on. “I no longer believe in having sexual intercourse with anyone I’m not in love with,” he informed me. Just as I was thinking how sweet (and kind of hot) this sentimental fool was getting, he added, “I’ve had sex with over a hundred women—why would I need to go running around now?” Whoa! I was one of over a hundred women! Way to make a girl feel special!

Though I am semi-accepting of my newfound chastity (which I fully intend to toss by the wayside soon as the next man who doesn’t piss me off glances in my general direction), I refuse to refer to myself as an INCEL. It’s time for a new acronym. How about DINOAGF (Desperately in Need of a Good Fucking) or HAAM (Horny as a Motherfucker), or even BIOBB (Bring It On Big Boy)?

Bring it on! Write dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave Ste 300, Seattle, WA 98104.