Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Yesterday, a co-worker came over to my desk to ask me a question. When she turned to walk away, I noticed a long streamer of toilet paper sticking out of her pants. I knew I should say something, but instead I turned quickly back to my computer. I feel bad about not alerting her to this embarrassing circumstance, but how does a man politely tell a female co-worker that she’s got a TP tail?

No Tail Teller

Dear Teller,

Traditional cultures are full of folktales that empower women. So why not alert her to the presence of her unwanted accessory with a little fable?

Sidle over to her desk casually and say the following:

“You know, [co-worker’s name], there is a wonderful story told by the Mayans about two old women who lived together. You see, the Mayans had a much more accepting view of elderly lesbians than we do. It was just no big deal to them. One day, one of the Mayan lesbians saw a bird in a field struggling to free itself from a trap. Murmuring soothing words to the bird, she gently removed it from the trap and continued on her way, thinking nothing more of it. That night the bird came to her in a dream. ‘Because you were so kind, I have granted you a tail,’ said the bird. ‘You can use it to carry your water bucket and sweep out your quaint stone foyer. And do, you know, whatever else you might want to do with a tail.’ The next day the old woman was amazed to see that she really did now have a long, sturdy tail. But the other old woman mistook the tail for a poisonous snake and chopped it off with a golden ax. Then the first old woman came to value herself as a complete and whole person, even without a tail. Now, whether this was some kind of phallic symbol or not,” you can conclude while glancing with a friendly grin at the toilet paper coming out of your co-worker’s pants, “it kind of reminds me of a little something you’ve picked up, [co-worker’s name].”

Then you can both enjoy a good laugh. You’re bound to win mucho points for humor and tact. It will only be later, when she has a quiet moment to reflect on the story of the Mayan lesbians, that your co-worker will also come to be grateful to you for the little dose of folk wisdom that you sneaked in.

Dear Uptight Seattleite,

Sometimes grocery store checkers practically throw food to the baggers after ringing it up. This happens everywhere—QFC, Safeway, even PCC! What can I do about this, short of actually saying something?

Aghast Shopper

Dear Aghast,

Your complaint is a very serious one indeed. Spiritually aware individuals know that actions carry energy. Food in particular is in danger of being imprinted with the careless negative energy of store clerks. But we should be careful not to judge. Much better to offer some instruction in terms your clerk can understand. Bring along a packing peanut, and when the clerk starts to hurl your food, dramatically snap it in half. Then say, “Hey, did you know this packing peanut is a lot like watching a sports event on TV? If the reception is bad, you can’t really enjoy the sports event.”

That should really do it, but if for some reason the checker only stares at you in a puzzled fashion, you can hint at your meaning in other friendly and understanding ways. Like the Buddha, who once responded to a disciple’s question by silently holding up a flower. Fix the checker with a meaningful smile and say, “Hey, I bet you were a lawn dart champion in a past life!” The next time you go back to that store, make sure you get the same checker, and offer another comment carefully crafted to lead them to a greater food sensitivity. Some examples:

“Ever had your feelings hurt? I know I have. Not very fun, is it? Oh well, you know what they say, You are what you eat!”

“I bet your unconscious vigor could be harnessed for positive ends. If you know what I mean.”

“Have you ever imagined you were a banana?”

When you think you might be making some progress, move on to another checker, and repeat the process. It won’t be long before the manager will be pulling you aside. To thank you for helping the checkers better understand their jobs.

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