Dear Dategirl,
What’s the protocol on post-coital behavior? I’ve heard many jokes about men rolling over and falling asleep after sex, but I’m a man and I would never do that. However, my wife thinks nothing of jumping right up and into the shower to begin her day. I’ve tried to initiate sex at night—for obvious reasons—but both of us are morning people.
I feel like a wimp asking for this extra cuddle time with her. How can I ask without emasculating myself in the process?
—In Need of a Cuddle
First, promise me that when you talk to your wife you don’t use the phrase “cuddle time,” because I think that might cause your balls to shrivel up and beat a hasty retreat back into your body. While you’re at it, skip “spoon” too. Seriously—either of those phrases will turn her lady flower into an unwelcoming cactus.
For some people, sex acts as a sedative. For others, it’s an energizing burst of orgasm. Still others are left all glowy and wanting even more naked time, even of the chaste variety. Neither of your post-coital preferences are right, nor are they wrong. They’re just different.
So you solve this the way you solve any other difference. You like doggy style, she prefers reverse cowgirl, so you alternate. You want pepperoni and she prefers pineapple and jalapeño, so you split that pizza in half like Solomon would’ve the baby. Just sit her down (fully clothed, with cocktails and maybe a snack) and tell her it kind of bums you out when she pulls the post-fuck flight. Only don’t say it so judgmentally, because as I said—neither of you are wrong. Tell her you’d prefer that she stuck around for a few minutes, because the fuck-and-flee makes you feel cheap. Or something like that.
Dear Dategirl,
I recently started seeing a guy I’ve known since childhood. We weren’t close friends, but we were friendly. We had a few dates, things seemed promising, and then he stood me up—we’re talking I-was-seated-at-the-restaurant-and-he-never-appeared. So humiliating. He kept texting that he’d be there shortly and just never showed.
My waitress was a little itchy because I was tying up a table, so I ordered wine and then an appetizer. By the end of the hour I waited (only because he kept assuring me via text he’d be there any minute), she and another waitress took pity, bought me a shot, and told me I deserved better. I tipped heavily and left.
A month later I finally heard from him, acting like nothing happened! No apology! Just a casual e-mail asking “What’s up?” and saying how much he misses me. I wrote him back the riot act. He told me I was overreacting and being a “bad friend.” He said he’d been going through a rough patch, and was disappointed I wasn’t more understanding. I don’t understand, and at this point I don’t care. I just want him to leave me alone. What the hell?
—Stood Up, Not Stuck Up
Lord knows I hate to generalize, but this is definitely a fault I find more often in men. Some dudes just can’t stand to be the bad guy. They’ll treat you like crap, dump you, and fuck your sister, but then afterward get all buttsore when you give them the finger instead of a friendly kiss on the cheek the next time you run into them. To them, I parrot the wise words of Baretta: “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.”
At least you’re not second-guessing yourself. This guy has no manners and deserves no further response from you. Block his e-mail and list him under “Mr. DumbFuck Don’tAnswer” in your phone, so you know when he’s calling and don’t pick up by accident. Onward!
FYI: October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you or anyone you know is facing violence at home, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-2233. This line is open 24/7, and can give callers contact info for local resources.
