I have a friend who needs a little sense knocked into her (she loves your column, so I’m sure you can do it)!

She lives with her boyfriend, and they have been together for eight-plus years. They haven’t had sex with each other in over six years, and he doesn’t even seem interested. He has rejected her time after time, so she has given up trying to have a sexual relationship with him. (I think he’s gay or cheating.) On weekends he doesn’t even come home half the time! She thinks that if he were cheating or gay she would know, so she doesn’t have a problem with this. He doesn’t help out financially, emotionally, or sexually, and she thinks this is the norm. He didn’t even want to spend her birthday with her last weekend. She thinks that I am living in la la land because I tell her that her relationship is not healthy. Please help her!

Confused in Canada

Gay, cheating, off finding the Lordwhat’s the diff? Six years without sex? That alone is a deal breaker, even without the Disappearing Boyfriend Act. It’s amazing what a person can warp their brain into thinking is normal. I used to have a boyfriend who’d disappear for days, and for a while I actually convinced myself it was something every man did. (FYI, it’s not.) I’ve heard about (though never been part of, thank gawd) young, otherwise vibrant couples who’ve been together for years and just never have sex. Ever.

But why? Living with another human is such a trial. I can’t imagine ever doing it again, especially if I wasn’t getting a regular deep-dicking outta the deal.

But see, the thing is, this is your friend’s problem, not yours. You can now show her published proof that her situation is not normal and that a paid nonprofessional thinks she deserves much better, but she’s the only one who can change her life. It sounds like she’s extremely depressed (who wouldn’t be?!?) and could use some therapy and perhaps a nice course of antidepressants. She’s lucky to have a nice supportive friend, but there’s only so much you can do. I hope she gets some help. Then, once she’s feeling peppier, you two can go locksmith shopping.

Great Scots, someone must have let loose a blastie in your mail bag and it’s eaten all the provocative questions! Either that, or you’ve had too much ice cream this summer and have eyeball/ brain freeze. Or maybe this mail pouch is more like a pull-tab binif so, you’re forgiven, as I can’t fathom why anyone would pay to pull tails off a tabby cat tab. Regardless there must be a winner in here somewhere!

Here we go! I found ituh, the provocative questions, not the tag on the male pouch you like to work/dream about: “Ms. Dategirl, do people often grossly misrepresent how frequently and when they like sex in order to get laid or snag someone into an LTR? If so, give me some tips to avoid the strange ones.”

I can identify. Three weeks lost with a woman who turned out to truly only want sex once a week at 5 a.m. on Sunday. Back to Neutrogena body oil and memories of others. How do I weed out the fibbers?

Eric

Hey there, Eric! Big Dategirl shout-out to the locked ward! I love my mentally impaired readers!

What the hell are you on about? Blasties? Pull tabs? At least your woman would fuck youcheck out the poor chickie in the letter above! Time is the only way to find out if someone’s being straight with you about their desires, income, STD status, and/or proclivitiesthere’s no bullshit detector in real life. If everyone told the truth about themselves from jump, nobody would ever get laid. Count yourself lucky for only losing three weeks on that freak.

Can I get free advice without it being posted in the paper?

Chicken Lickin’

Nope.

Don’t be shy: Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.