JAGERMEISTER
The beverage of choice for those who want to go beyond the cheaper, less robust cough syrups. With 56 “herbs and spices” in the mix, each drinker is certain to experience a unique reaction with his or her body chemistry; from opalescent visions of celestial grandeur to the highly sought-after strength of 100 men, surely there is no cerebral mishap the Master Hunter can’t induce.1
What draws the young and young-at-heart to stare down the cross-bearing stag? Is it the bone-chilling2 serving temperature? The intuition that anything so vile must be wholesome? The confluence of phallic symbols3 that would make Camille Paglia blush? Behavioral scientists see a kind of reverse 12-step program at work, with drinkers giving themselves up to a higher power, then sliding straight into a nightmare world of empty proselytization.4 Since the neophyte is necessarily exposed only to survivors5 of the drink, the chant “J䧥r! J䧥r!” is too alluring to endure—and another young doe or buck is felled.
One visit to any public house serving the stuff to young fresh fellows and lasses will confirm the most sordid and evil misanthrope’s view of humans as mindless suicide puppets caught in endless loops6 of confusion and despair (see “Lemmings, Mythological Aspects of”). Capturing both the banality and the seductiveness of evil, J䧥rmeister crosses the line between liqueur and supervillain.
1. Some radical alcoholics have suggested a link between J䧥r and mad cow disease (see “Kuru”), but the MRI and autopsy data, archived on damp cocktail napkins, remains inconclusive.
2. Suggested: -15 C, colder than that once-irresistible flagpole that still holds a piece of your juvenile tongue (see “Cloning”).
3. Oh, just look at it. For heaven’s sake, people.
4. J䧥rmeister uses more viral marketing than any other liqueur: The sinister stag peers out from T-shirts, lighters, wallets, hats, wristwatches, and even snowboards. This last is too terrible to contemplate for long—the mind literally reels, or would if it could.
5. Though it should be noted that there is a growing community of sufferers complaining of Multiple Herbal Sensitivity (MHS). Many received their first exposure to immune-system-scrambling levels of herbs via J䧥rmeister or ironically named “health” food stores. Symptoms include poor motor control, slurred speech, and spicy-fresh breath; the syndrome is slow to kill—too slow, according to some.
6. E.g., footnote 6.
Rob Lightner, Contrib.
