MANIFESTOS
Declared by such vanguard publications as Vogue and Modern Parent to be “the new black” this season, the question that must be asked about manifestos is “Why don’t you already have one?” When the self-help craze of the 1990s wound down in a frenzy of quasi-aromatherapeutic, vegan burrito-eating, James Redfield- worshipping hoo-ha,1 many disillusioned followers turned to self-aggrandizement in the form of manifesto writing.
1. “Hoo-ha,” of course, being the technical term for the psychological manifestation of an excess of New Ageism.
MARXISM
Like feathered hair, sequined jean jackets, and blue eye shadow, Marxism is so out that it’s in again. “The New Red: Why Marxism Is More Popular Than Ever!” raved a recent issue of Glamour, noting that the wonderful thing about this particular ideology is that you don’t even have to know what it’s about to look like an experienced practitioner.1 Basic tenets of this charming vintage ideology include: (a) class matters, and (b) soon all y’all motherfuckers are going to be up against the wall if you don’t join up.2
1. [Those interested in learning more about Marxism can send $25 and a S.A.S.E. to the Encyclop椩a of Evil c/o the Seattle Weekly to receive our handy Marxism Starter Kit, which includes the 25 essential vocabulary words every good Marxist needs to be able to mix ‘n’ match (e.g., “You counterrevolutionary bourgeois pig, don’t step on my dialectical materialism”), as well as illustrated guides to helpful skills such as bandanna-tying and chant-rhyming, and a set of dominoes.—Ed.]
2. In this respect, Marxism can be just like any other ideology: a way to divide yourself from your fellow humans in a way that makes you feel really good about yourself. See also “Manifestos.”
MASTURBATION
Well, if you’re not interested in shopping for an ideology like everyone else is these days, why not look into masturbation?1 It’s the oldest hobby and indubitably2 the best way imaginable to spend a rainy Seattle afternoon. Like gumbo and chewing gum, masturbation comes3 in a variety of flavors, textures, and colors.4
1. Plus May is National Masturbation Month! Go on with your bad self.
2. Best pronounced with copious spitting, Daffy Duck-style.
3. Ha!
4. See also “Manifestos,” “Marxism,” “Nihilism,” and “Chopra, Deepak.”
Kate Shuster, Contrib.
