1. Ewan McGregor video library, with extra copies of Pillow Book, which was stolen from two video stores in town this year. If any one of you have any information leading to the arrest of the person or persons who stole the Pillow Book, please come forward. Be a video crime stopper now!

2. For the T-Man on KUBE 93 to stop encouraging small-breasted women to get implants. In late October, the radio station held a “Miss Flat America” contest at GameWorks, with the top prize being free plastic surgery. (Talk about a booby prize.) Hey, T-Bone, small breasts are cute and perky! And best of all, they don’t sag like your limp T-Pickle!

3. For my studly friend Chan (who is gay) to stop resisting my advances. Honey, you know the saying, everyone is bisexual. . . .

4. For women’s underwear to be cheaper. If women make less money than men, why are we expected to pay five times more for a skinny little thong than a pair of boxers? What’s Victoria’s real secret?

5. For every hot-blooded American woman to have an orgasm every time she has sex. Right now, only about 30 percent of us have one regularly. Girls, you’ve got only one sex life; get the most out of it! An O a day keeps the blues away.