The end of the year is the time for Top 10 lists. However, 2007 was not kind to Seattle sports fans, so we decided to make it a Bottom 10 instead:
10. May 24: The Mariners lose to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, 13-12. Third base coach Carlos Garcia gets two runners thrown out at home. Explaining his decision to send Jose Lopez home against the legendary arm of right fielder Delmon Young, Garcia says, “It was the first time we played them. I didn’t know he had such a good arm. But now I know.” The club defends Garcia against fans who point out that the strength of Young’s arm is widely recognized and could have been gleaned by reading a scouting report, or merely conducting a Google search.
9. Date unknown: Wally Szczerbiak takes rookie teammate Kevin Durant under his wing, explaining to the young star that he can boost his scoring average by ignoring those pesky things called teammates. Says Szczerbiak, “Unless they’re setting a pick for you, they’re not there.” (This may not have actually happened yet, but it’s a scary thought, no?)
8. Nov. 10–11: Moving like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle minus the Teenage Mutant Ninja part, Robert Swift nets zero points, two rebounds, an d two fouls in 12 minutes of play. As he struggles to lug his freshly tattooed 280 pounds up and down the KeyArena floor, some fans wonder whether, knee injury or not, the new bulk will ruin the agility that was his previous strong suit. One night earlier, the player the Sonics should have drafted in 2004, Al Jefferson, scores 17 points and grabs 12 rebounds for the Minnesota Timberwolves.
7. Jan. 1: Ty Willingham’s Huskies look totally un-prepared for their bowl game matchup with…oh, wait, never mind.
6. Dec. 12: Unable to resist his stunning array of “out” pitches—as in “quickly headed ‘out’ of the park”—the Seattle Mariners tender a contract to Horacio Ramirez, the man who accrued more walks than strikeouts and hits than innings in 2007. “It was a difficult decision,” explains Bill Bavasi. “Had he been signed by a division rival, we might have been able to keep Richie Sexson’s batting average over .220 for the season.”
5. Nov. 15: Howard Schultz signs up to sponsor a youth basketball team.
4. Dec. 3: Citing his dissatisfaction with community center facilities, Schultz transfers sponsorship duties to an Oklahoma City car dealership, but asks if he can still attend the year-end pizza party.
3. Aug. 28: With the bases loaded, his team down one run in the eighth inning, and Vladimir Guerrero due up, Mariner manager John McLaren, needing a win against the first-place Angels to stay in the pennant race, digs deep into the throat of bullpen suckage to pull out Rick White, a potbellied piece of waiver wire flotsam who takes the mound and promptly serves up batting practice fodder. Two batters later, the bases have been emptied, and the game—not to mention the season—is all but over.
2. Sundays, generally: Shaun Alexander sees tacklers, falls down.
1. Nov. 1: Sonics owner Clayton Bennett celebrates the newly begun Kevin Durant era by filing with the NBA for relocation of the team. Here’s to you, Mr. Bennett: May all your years be as bad as our 2007.
