The Gnome just flew in from Woodstock, and boy are his arms burning! Fortunately we here in Seattle are infinitely more civilized than those pyromaniac Limp Bizkit fans and those firebugs in the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who ruined a perfectly good capitalist music celebration and MTV special with their arson and larceny. Several online news sources divulged at least one poignant and nonincendiary moment during the tawdry weekend: Willie Nelson called for Supersuckers’ main man Eddie Spaghetti to help soothe the 250,000 souls in attendance with a rendition of “Amazing Grace.” Peace, Love, and MasterCard!

Why would anyone have gone all the way to upstate New York last weekend to risk injury when the two-night Flaming Lips stand at the Showbox offered so many opportunities for affliction (despite a lack of any actual flames)? A camera fastened to the mic stand projected grotesque images of Robyn Hitchcock and Lou Barlow onto a giant screen behind the performers; side effects included dizziness, nausea, and an urge to run down to Rudy’s to get Mr. Sebadoh a gift certificate for a haircut. Led by a similarly distorted Wayne Coyne, the Lips put on a lovely set for the assembled masses and select rock stars—the Gnome spied Hovercraft’s Beth Liebling, Mudhoney’s Mark Arm and Steve Turner, and Soundgarden’s Ben Shephard at the Friday show. But the Lips also used the screen to show off some stock footage of eye surgery. Pukesville!

Then again, nothing warms the Gnome’s heart quite like a good projectile-vomiting story. Love As Laughter bass player Ryan Davidson regaled one table at the Rebar last Tuesday with his Ozzfest experience, which involved a guy next to him who’d ingested a bad corndog or somethin’. Since openers Heroic Trio have fallen in 1988 and can’t get up and Mocket has transformed its songs into scary clown music, Ryan’s puke parable alone made the LAL show worthwhile. (Well, that, and the fact that LAL rocked, even though frontman Sam Jaynes claimed that he couldn’t hear anything at all.)

Last Sunday, your hirsute correspondent had planned to get inked by local tattoo-meister Tracy Zumwalt. His spankin’ new Ballard shop, Anchor Tattoo, was offering free tattoos for the day (in one pattern—an anchor, of course). One look at the full sign-up sheet, though, and the Gnome had to settle for connecting the dots of his moles with a Bic pen—but was pretty damn pleased with the results, and so was that biker chick. You betcha!

You can reach the Metro Gnome at metrognome@seattleweekly.com