Dancing has never been at the top of my “Things that don’t make me look like a jackass” list. It lands on there somewhere between “Reading poetry in the nude” and “Videotaping myself reading poetry in the nude.” The circumstances have to be absolutely perfect for me to take the risk of seriously injuring my wife or innocent bystanders. The music playing has to be something I will never hear again as long as I live, so as to avoid terrifying flashbacks of my ugly white ass shaking to the sound of the song. I have to have consumed no less than 10 drinks within a two-hour time frame. The person dancing with me cannot under ANY circumstances be sober in any way, so as to avoid her having the same kind of terrifying flashbacks. And it helps if I’m wearing a costume and it’s Halloween.

It just so happens that the planets misaligned and all the prerequisites were in place on Halloween last year. We ended up at Neighbours at two in the morning after consuming drinks in no less than four bars, my wife was as intoxicated as I was, and I was dressed up like a woman. We were the cutest lesbians at Neighbours on this particular evening. But even if all of these crucial elements come together again some ill-fated night, there is only one way I would ever dance in public again: if I saw Underworld perform live. I cannot imagine standing still while listening to them on CD, let alone not doing the pogo at one of their shows. The closest I may ever get is the upcoming release from Underworld, Live: Everything, Everything (JBO). It is nonstop dance-crazed freaking-out-on-acid from start to finish. I wouldn’t even have to be dressed up as a woman to get down.

Listen to John play Underworld weekday mornings from 6-10am on 90.3 FM KCMU and live online at www.kcmu.org.