Your humble, lactose-intolerant correspondent would rather be smothered in a bowl of Dreyer’s Wild Wild West Sundae ice cream than have to view another male stripper slither out of a cop uniform. The latest in a rash of such incidents occurred when one showed up for a suburbanette’s birthday party held, incongruously enough, at the Crocodile—during an Apples in Stereo show, no less.

Fortunately, no, um, members of Seattle’s secret squad bared any skin at the Tractor Friday for the low-key Rusty Willoughby record release party. Then again, Delusions guitarist Dave Keppel could have used some visual aids to liven up his opening set. The pop maestro seemed kinda nervous, remaining glued to a folding chair while strumming out tunes on an electric guitar. Middle man Pete Krebs revved things up, playing with a sharpness that betrayed his relief at being back in his element; the previous night, Krebs crooned at the Pacific Place bourgeois bistro ‘n’ brewpub, Gordon Biersch.

Next up for the Gnome was a trip to the lowbrow lounge Jersey’s Sports Bar to celebrate owner Chris Clifford’s victory over the Forces of Darkness (City Attorney Mark Sidran) and Civility Laws (the “added-activities” ordinance). How the Gnome chuckled when it turned out that the entertainment for this free-speech f괥 was a cover band! (I laugh because I cannot cry. . . .) Knowing that my five-buck cover was going to the ACLU did little to mitigate the horror of sitting through an extended version of “Play That Funky Music, White Boy.”

Now that Seattle is safe for barking dogs and Sly and the Family Stone medleys, we must all band together to fight a new enemy—the geniuses at New Line Cinema. These nob-heads have decided that it would be “exciting” for Seattle residents to re-create Kurt Cobain’s memorial service for their upcoming film A Leonard Cohen Afterworld. Trying to lure appropriately grungy extras to the Seattle Center fountain next Friday afternoon, the producers promise “refreshments, music, and tons of promotional giveaways (such as concert tickets, trips to Hollywood, etc.) and perhaps, even some surprise celebrity appearances!!!!”

But don’t get too excited—it’s “first come, first serve, and those who stick around will be eligible for the really juicy giveaways.” (sic, sick!) Perhaps some dirt from Kurt’s grave? How about some nail clippings foraged from the King County coroner’s trash can?

The Gnome is ironing his finest flannel now. You betcha!

You can reach the Metro Gnome at metrognome@seattleweekly.com