The Dish: We’d like to preface this week’s column with a warning: You should not be eating either of the following Versus contenders. This is the absolute lowest grade of food you can buy. If you’re starving, need something fast, and have a couple of bucks to spare, go get yourself something off a drive-thru value menu. If you must eat from a convenience store, for whatever reason, we’re here to make sure you choose the path of least bodily harm. With the KFC Double Down all the rage, we figured we’d peek inside two popular quick-marts to test some other sandwiches that give the KFC nightmare a run for its money in the gross department. We didn’t realize just how repulsive the food we tasted would be. Case in point: 7-Eleven’s Cheeseburger Big Bite versus Chevron’s Extra Mile Tornados.
The Rivals: 7-Eleven, 3801 California Ave. S.W. (and other locations), 938-1417. As soon as you see the Cheeseburger Big Bite on the roller grill, you know you’re in for something totally disgusting. Compared to the spicy Bite and regular hot dogs, this quarter-pound cheeseburger dog looks like a giant turd cooking under a hot lamp. It’s much girthier than the other dogs, and is dotted with chunks of orange (cheese) and white (onions). As soon as the cashier puts the dog in a bun, do yourself a favor by running to the condiment section and dousing that thing with liquid cheese, onions, and ketchup. These cover-ups are the only things that truly make this dog resemble a cheeseburger in any way. “What sort of meat am I eating?” is a question you’re certain to ask after the first bite. And, my friend, we’d love to tell you, but we just don’t know. It’s so reconstituted it’s hard to say, but our best guess is a mixture of pork and beef. It’s a lot like the meat patty you find in an actual cheeseburger, but in hot-dog form. Why? We don’t know that, either.
Chevron Extra Mile, 2347 California Ave. S.W. (and other locations), 933-1100. We were hoping to find a steak sandwich of some kind, and we did—in taquito form, called a Tornado. While the meat was just as low-quality as that of the Cheeseburger Big Bite, it was accompanied by a crisp tortilla that made it more palatable. The Tornado is also small, which means you can eat one to hold you over until you get to real food, instead of filling up on this bitemare. The filling looked more like a runny beef stew. It did have a nice spice and a hint of something sweet (we’re guessing cinnamon), but it still lacked an appetizing look or overall appeal. Proof that Tornados suck? The cashier didn’t charge us for ours. We paid for it later, though.
The Champ: It’s hard to wrap your mind around a cheeseburger in hot-dog form, which makes the 7-Eleven Cheeseburger Big Bite even harder to swallow. It also comes with a whopping 680 milligrams of sodium, 270 calories, and 22 grams of fat—and that’s without the bun. The Tornado is more of a snack, which is perfect, because you really don’t want to replace a meal with convenience-store food, anyway. Plus, the Tornado comes with just 180 calories, 7 grams of fat, and 330 milligrams of sodium, and had less of a feral meat taste, thanks in part to the fried tortilla wrapper, more innocuous than rancid meat. That’s why we crown Chevron Extra Mile’s Tornado the winner—or, should we say, the better of two losers.
