“Try the eggs!”With the 4th of July right around the corner and beautiful half-naked bodies parading down the street, reminding you of your amorphous, disgusting mess of a physique, there’s no better time of the year for a cheeseburger. The question is: Do you go for a greasy mess of beef and carbohydrates at a charming Seattle staple like Beth’s Cafe? Or do you pony up some extra money for the Two Bells’ more “dignified” burger experience? Zak’s in Ballard offers an interesting gray area. Zak’s (2040 NW Market St, 706-9257) features many of the staples of kooky local diner decor: a blaring neon “Sorry, We’re Open” sign, a wide swath of American license plates, posters of Paul Newman movies modified to advertise the french fries, and in-house coloring pages for the kids. (This is the most 9-year-old, off-topic ramble ever, but I really appreciate the minimalism of Zak’s coloring pages. Lately, there’s been the disturbing trend of overcrowding coloring pages with boring mazes, asinine trivia and other wastes of ink on what 10-and-unders just want to wreck with a set of crayons.)I’ve been an agnostic ever since I attended a Catholic high school, so I wouldn’t consider myself someone who thinks in binaries very often. However, there are two sacred axioms in life I’ve yet to defy. One is that whenever I’m flipping channels and I see that Big Trouble in Little China is on, I must watch the entire thing regardless of location or timing. The second is that whenever a restaurant offers a menu item that doubles as a dick joke, I have to order it.Zak’s menu provided a mindblowing hiccup to my inner dogma: not one, but two dick jokes. I passed on the “Big Johnson (bragging rights included)” (their parentheses, not mine), once more evading a massive coronary in a public place. Of course, this meant ordering the “Little Johnson” and accepting the appropriate stigma.With a “Little Johnson” on the way and a tiny glass of crayons next to my flatware, it would seem obvious that I was in for the full greasy-spoon experience. However, Zak’s simply offers too chipper of service on a Sunday afternoon. I almost choked on the fresh deliciousness of my Blackberry Cream milkshake, and my “diminutive” burger was definitely more gourmet than sloppy diner fare. Zak’s burgers have substantial buns (or are “extremely carby,” as my pessimistically healthy girlfriend pointed out), robust beef patties, bacon with just the right amount of give, and carried all the fixins’.So where does Zak’s stand with its ironic “Hippies Use The Side Door” sign, its respectable selection of bottled beer, its quaint “will trade burgers for more goofy shit on the wall” policy, and its cheap but flavorful grub? A damn good place to get a burger.