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Crazy Things Bartenders Hear—and That You Should Avoid Saying

[art: Please use illo here, or some other great stock shot of a bartender: http://www.seattleweekly.com/home/949972-129/the-bar-code-crazy-things-bartenders]

Bars are wonderful, magical places. You can try an exciting new cocktail, make a love connection, or just unwind after a long workday. You can also overhear some amazing shit. Below are some of the more ridiculous things I’ve heard in my time working in bars. They fall into four categories: debauchery, drunken nonsense, drink questions, and pure insanity.

“So do you know where I can score some meth?” Let’s get things straight. Yes, I traffic in an intoxicant, but I’m not a drug dealer. Nor do I associate with them. And even if I did, I think I’d steer clear of meth dealers. I haven’t even seen Breaking Bad and I know that’s a bad idea.

“That guy is my brother, he’s gonna pay for me.” This doesn’t sound too crazy on the surface—but when it’s slurred by someone who can barely keep his head off the bar top and the “brother” hasn’t said a word to him and is approximately 20 years younger, it’s a bit hard to believe.

“I don’t like sweet cocktails. I’ll just have a lemon drop.” You mean the cocktail that comes with a sugared rim? I know it’s become a bit declasse to like sweet drinks, but just order what makes you happy. If that’s a lollipop in a glass, so be it.

“Have you ever been to Estonia?” Um, no, I haven’t been to a small Baltic nation.

“I can’t drink American wines because they all have sugar added to them, so they’re not on the Paleo diet.” Holy crap, is this a massive pile of nonsense. First, it’s not true; if anything, you’re more likely to find an Old World wine with added sugar. Second, it’s not as if prehistoric man was making grand cru Burgundy. Third, maybe you shouldn’t be getting your diet advice from BuzzFeed.

“How much is too much to tip an escort?” See above. I know alcohol and sex go hand in hand, but seriously, how would I know? Based on the guy who asked me, I’d say no amount is too high for having to spend time with him.

“Can I get a virgin martini?” That drink is entirely booze. I guess I can give you an empty martini glass. Hell, I’ll even throw some water in it!

“Do the cops come in here often?” I think answering that question is the first step to an armed-robbery attempt.

“Are you pregnant?” Not directed at me, obviously, but at someone else. That’s a question you should never ask any woman you don’t know, but especially not one on her third Manhattan. Also, don’t follow it with “Do you want to be?”

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A HAPPY CRAWL: From burgeoning Pioneer Square to dependable Belltown and beyond, a walk to remember . . . or forget.

Altstadt

Brendan McGill’s German “Bierhalle”—large but cozy, with a roaring fire—is the perfect happy-hour spot on a Thursday or Friday night. While they have standards like hot pretzels, the wursts (like turkey and duck-fat white sausage) and other fare like red potatoes, red cabbage, and herbs with a warm mustard vinaigrette are delicious. Then there’s the beer: more than 30 to choose from, as well as mulled wines. 209 First Ave. S., 602-6442

Happy Hour: 3-6 p.m. Monday–Friday. Food: Brat sliders, pommes frites, and pickles, $5-$8. Drinks: $1 off any half-litre, $2 off any litre, $4 house wine.

Canon

Every hour is a kind of happy hour at Canon, where you will fawn over your drinks. Canon’s whiskey concoctions are unreasonably delicious—this is the kind of bar that puts egg whites in their whiskey sours. Don’t take my word for it, though; Canon’s daunting list of accolades places it atop the roster of Seattle’s most venerated bars. 928 12th Ave., 552-9755, canonseattle.com Happy Hour: TK; Food: TK; Drinks: TK

E. Smith Mercantile

Drinkers can retire to this quaint boutique’s bar for craft cocktails and small bites in an intimate 14-seat space that feels like you’re at a cozy campfire. Drinks at E. Smith may evoke the same experience, as its cocktails often echo the flavors of a gold miner’s era: honey, vanilla, whiskey, and mesquite—the good ol’ days. 208 First Ave. S., 641-7250, esmithmercantile.com Happy Hour: TK; Food: TK; Drinks: TK

Rob Roy

This is one of the city’s finest cocktail bars. Ever since its inception, it’s managed to fuse unusual ingredients (like gunpowder) with classic techniques in a space that feels both welcoming (the couches are super-comfy) and disorienting (hoof lamps, anyone?). 2332 Second Ave., 956-8423, robroyseattle.com Happy Hour: TK; Food: TK; Drinks: TK


Little Water Cantina

Outdoor drinking requires two elements: sunshine and tequila. Yes, you can make an argument for rum or white wine, but let’s be honest: In the heat of a Seattle summer, what you really want is a well-made margarita, some chips, and something to stare at. Little Water Cantina delivers on all three counts. 2865 Eastlake Ave., 397-4949, littlewatercantina.com Happy Hour: 3–6 p.m. Monday–Friday. Food: $9 taco plates. Drinks: $6 margaritas, $4 microdrafts, $1 off wine glass pours.

Zig Zag Cafe

Bar-watchers were curious to see what would happen to Zig Zag when Murray Stenson left his longtime perch behind the bar in 2011. Would the pioneer of Seattle cocktail culture flop without him? Fortunately for all of us, Erik Hakkinen has proven more than capable of filling those shoes. Zig Zag remains a rare cocktail lover’s dream. 1501 Western Ave. #202, 625-1146, zigzagseattle.com Happy Hour: TKTK; Food: TK; Drinks: TK

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How the Last Word Became Seattle’s Signature Drink

[<art> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Last_Word_(cocktail)#/media/File:The_Last_Word_cocktail_raised.jpg]

Certain cocktails just go with a city. New Orleans is synonymous with the Sazerac and the Hurricane, London has the Collins and the Vesper, and New York has the Manhattan, the Cosmopolitan, and about 30 others. Seattle’s cocktail? No, it’s not an espresso Martini—in fact, it originated thousands of miles away. The Last Word isn’t a native Seattleite, yet it’s our most prominent contribution to the modern cocktail movement. So how’d that come to be?

As with many aspects of the local craft-cocktail scene, Murray Stenson is the pivotal figure. As the story goes, while digging through old bar books, he found the cocktail, which was apparently invented in Detroit in the 1920s. It eventually made its way to New York, and was featured in the 1952 book Bottoms Up! by Ted Saucier, but then fell into relative oblivion. Stenson rediscovered it in 2004 and added it to the drinks list at the Zig-Zag Cafe, where his zeal and that bar’s massive influence spread it throughout the city and to cutting-edge cocktail bars nationwide.

Truthfully, it’s a drink that probably would have remained in obscurity forever without Stenson’s skill and influence. Even to experienced drinkers, the ingredients can give pause, and the average bar patron is apt to dismiss it out of hand. Properly made, a Last Word is equal parts (usually ¾ ounce) of four ingredients: lime juice, gin, maraschino liqueur (usually the brand Luxardo), and green Chartreuse. It’s then shaken and served in a martini glass, often with a brandied cherry as the garnish.

Its magic comes from the interplay of ingredients. Each pulls the drink in a different direction: the lime juice toward sourness and fruit, the gin toward herbaceousness and alcohol, the maraschino liqueur toward sweetness, and the Chartreuse toward bitterness and exoticism. When the ratio is correct, the drink visits each of those realms before returning to a state of balance by the end of the sip, and it’s that tension that makes it such a dynamic drink. It seems ideal for contemplation, for slow sipping, and as the name suggests it’s often a fine finale to an evening of drinking.

It’s also a template that allows for some experimentation. The most famous variant is the Final Ward, by New York City’s Phil Ward, which substitutes lemon juice for lime and rye whiskey for gin. Yet my preferred variant, which I think I made up (feel free to tell me that I’m wrong) is called the Scottish Goodbye. It consists of the same ratio (¾ ounce) of scotch (blended is fine), lemon juice, maraschino liqueur, and yellow Chartreuse, which is a bit milder than its green cousin.

Instead of a vast panoply of herbal notes, this variant allows the scotch’s smokiness to meld into the sweetness of the maraschino, while retaining the acidic zing of the citrus and the complexity of the Chartreuse. While it might not be a rediscovery of a forgotten classic, it’s well worth a try.

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Unexpected Places to Drink in Seattle: From Weird to Off-the-Beaten Path

Most of the great bars in Seattle are where you’d expect to find them: Capitol Hill, Ballard, and the city’s other trendy neighborhoods. But this week’s column is devoted to the great, or at least interesting, bars that pop up where you’d least expect them.

Targy’s Tavern, Queen Anne (600 W. Crockett St.): Of course, other neighborhood bars feel a bit out of place with their surroundings, but few do it with as much verve as Targy’s. Just a short stagger from some of Seattle’s most expensive homes sits this Prohibition-era throwback, which until relatively recently didn’t even have a full liquor license. The clientele is eclectic, to say the least: locals who enjoy the no-nonsense vibe, as well as die-hard regulars who may not be able to afford multimillion-dollar mortgages, but can at least belly up for a beer or two.

Commuter Comforts (Terminal at Pier 52, 801 Alaskan Way, Ste. E): Drinking on the Washington State Ferries remains a woefully limited proposition (unless of course you BYOB), but if you happen to find yourself with a bit of a wait to head to Bainbridge Island or Bremerton, Commuter Comforts offers a strong selection of local brews, a great view, and a chance to enjoy the curious people that make a commuter bar their regular hangout.

Teacher’s Lounge, Greenwood (8505 Greenwood Ave. N.): As the restaurant and bar scene continues to expand out from the city center, it’s only a matter of time before even the most staid neighborhoods have quality cocktail bars. Such is the case with Teacher’s Lounge, which is very much pushing the envelope in a neighborhood best known for dive bars like the Baranof and Yen Wor. Carefully crafted cocktails and a cohesive theme make it a solid destination for anyone stranded north of Fremont.

Company, White Center (9608 16th Ave. S.W.): While Greenwood might never be cool, White Center is getting hipster-ified at a breathtaking rate. Company is the place to spot many of those who have fled the increasing rents of Capitol Hill but still want to find a quality cocktail, at White Center prices. In a neighborhood that until recently was a destination only for Mexican food, Company could become a rallying point for cocktail nerds in search of the next great thing.

Orient Express, SoDo (2963 Fourth Ave. S.): I’m not sure I can quite recommend the Orient Express’ food or drinks, but the experience is well worth it. From the no-holds-barred karaoke to the regular drag shows to the sheer strangeness of eating and drinking in a bunch of old rail cars, it’s definitely unique. SoDo is actually rife with weird bars; from Monkey Loft to Aston Manor to Hooverville, it’s becoming an interesting neighborhood for more than pre-gaming.