Behold! The writer of the future!Last week’s review of Bai Tong inspired a bit of rhetoric and assholery from the fans on several different fronts. The best of the comments-slash-questions was this one, from dedicated hater Seattle Epicure who wrote, in part:Seattle Weekly management: I have a great idea to save you money on your food section: create a Jason Sheehan computer program. Instead of paying a self-satisfied SOB to blather on about restaurants, why not just make an algorithm to produce the same results? It would work sort of like mad libs. First, start with a restaurant that has already been recently reviewed. If you can’t find one, then choose a restaurant outside of Seattle and go on about how an obscure, out of the way place has been found. Next, add lots of me-me-me language, making sure to mention that you are a chef. In describing the food from the chosen place, be sure to use unusual and inappropriate adjectives. Include many personal asides that do not contribute anything to an understanding of the restaurant. Then, add a history of the restaurant, even if your only knowledge of it is an online search. Don’t forget that you need to be self-absorbed! Once the review is done, do not forget to sprinkle in narcissism in any place that it is not already nauseating.She then went on to demand my firing (for at least the fourth or fifth time thi month) and insist that she no longer reads the paper, all because of me. Here’s the response from the “Seattle Weekly management” (read: me).Dear Seattle Epicure,Personally, we think this is a fascinating idea! Why, if we were to run with your suggestion, the weekly restaurant review would hardly take up any space at all, leaving us all the more room for paid ads and coupons. As a matter of fact, we could make things even better by cutting out all of Sheehan’s personal stuff entirely, losing those pesky adjectives and eliminating any mentions of the history of the restaurant or the cuisine completely. After all, we live in a modern world where all opinions are suspect and useless anyhow, and just running a list of dishes, prices and maybe some kind of rating system (forks or thumbs or cute little chef hats) would be both time-saving and more in keeping with the tradition of no-nonsense restaurant criticism that has become the hallmark of all those successful community-oriented newspapers out there.One problem? We here at Seattle Weekly are already hard at work developing an automatic, algorithmic blog comment generator in order to remove from the page view equation all those annoyingly fickle and untrustworthy readers. It goes a little something like this: First, we start with a simple declarative phrase like “Jason Sheehan sucks.” Then, through the miracle of modern technology, we add various references to how the critic is a shill for/a personal enemy of the restaurant in question, how far away the Seattle suburbs are and how no one goes there, how awesome and perfect everything in the city is, how no one who didn’t grow up within five miles of the Public Market has any right to criticize anything happening in the city itself, how no one should be allowed to publish an opinion that doesn’t agree with their opinion, how no one should have any opinions at all about anything ever, and how that dipshit Sheehan guy really ought to shut up and stop talking about himself and just tell us how much the fucking tacos cost already because, really, who cares what he has to say anyway? Every comment is then tagged with a made-up name (half of which are “Anonymous”) and capped off with a promise never to read the paper again.We believe that this new comment generator, once in place, will greatly streamline the vilification of all our writers and eventually drive them into either the public relations or fast food industries, which is where they probably all belong anyhow. At that point, we will be a completely reader-friendly and bias-free publication and will give serious consideration to your computer-generated restaurant review suggestion.Thank you very much for your valuable input,The Seattle Weekly management