Leo (July 23–Aug. 22)It’s summertime. Your life should be about sunshine and abundance right now, not sickly shades of depressing…
Gemini (May 21–June 20)Geminis are generally quite well-adjusted people. Your dual nature is rife with internal checks and balances: You’re…
Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21)You’d be surprised at how much time is devoted to discussion of you when you’re not around….
March 22-28, 2006
Aries (March 21–April 19)Fuck modesty, selflessness, and moderation. Yeah, that’s right. I know. I can’t believe I’m telling you this,…
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)Being nitpicky could be your downfall this week. I know you want everything to be “just so,”…
Taurus (April 20–May 20)Use some of your vacation time. You’ve been hoarding it for what? Take the week off; you…
Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)Relinquish all hope of wallflower status this week. You’re wearing reverse camouflage, the opposite of the background…
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)The word Libra is Latin for “balance.” But unless you know that, it’s not the first thing…
Gemini (May 21–June 20) Backward is the new forward. It’s true; not only will straight lines and linear routes not…
Gemini (May 21–June 20)Fix the slow drip on your kitchen tap, seal that drafty bedroom window, or repair those hard…
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Get bitten by a radioactive superspider, if you can. Having Spidey’s paranormal abilities would be useful…
Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19)Some outside influence—maybe your spouse, boss, or neighbor—has forced you to act contrary to your natural inclinations….
September 39, 2003
April 19-25, 2006
April 26-May 2, 2006
March 15-21, 2006
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) There’s no excuse to sit on the couch eating bonbons, Piscesat least not this week. With…
Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22)I’m too bored to write you a proper horoscope this week. You’re just too damn normal. Your…
July 19-25, 2006
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