Just minutes into our phone conversation, Joan Rivers tries to persuade me to get a nose job. I’ve confessed to her that my low pain tolerance has kept me from looking into fixing what I consider my most noticeable physical flaw. “It’s like having a bad cold for three days,” she says in her signature rasp. “And for the rest of your life you’re fabulous. Isn’t it worth it?” Maybe. Then again, I am discussing the matter with a 75-year-old who looks nothing like my Japanese grandmother. The sharp-witted comedienne has a new book out, Men Are Stupid… And They Like Big Boobs ($25, Simon & Schuster), a hilarious and surprisingly informative guide to plastic surgery for women. In it she also includes the expected dish on celebrities who deny going under the knife but have. (Yes, Nicole Kidman, your name came up.) “Nobody wants to talk about it,” Rivers complains. “They’ll tell you about your sexual positions or when they’re having an affair. But then you ask, ‘Well, who did your nose?,’ and they say, ‘Oh, no. I’ve never had my nose done. What are you talking about?’” As for her three Seattle appearances today, Rivers cheerfully says that, yes, she accepts gifts: “I wear a seven shoe, just in case.” (Note: today’s noon event is free at U-Village Barnes & Noble) ERIKA HOBART

Fri., Feb. 13, 12, 7 & 9:30 p.m., 2009