Dating, really, is a catch-22 for men. Look, it’s simple; dudes want to get laid. It goes back to our instincts. It is a male’s biological function on this planet to impregnate as many females as possible, therefore ensuring population and carrying on our species. Flash-forward to a first date: A guy must fight this urge and remain calm and almost aloof. On top of this, if you really like the girl, hooking up on the first date is usually not the best indication that she may be “the one”… in my opinion, anyway. So herein lies the contradiction for men: “I really, really like her, and I really want to ‘do’ her, but I hope it doesn’t happen tonight!”
So before you head out for that next first date, or Saturday’s big date, here are 10 dating tips—bits of wisdom, if you will—that I’ve amassed during my colorful times—remembered or otherwise.
1. Become a rocker. This occupation helped me get through the awkward “dating years,” as I really never dated at all until I got sober. Those early years were basically filled with post-gig hookups or some other male-female interaction as a result of dark, loud, booze-filled haunts. Of course, I was pretty much hammered all the time until I was 30, and experienced TWO bad (but thankfully short) marriages! This poses a most obvious question: What the hell am I doing writing THIS column? Hey, don’t be so quick to judge! I don’t really remember those years, so it’s almost as if they didn’t count, right? I look at my life in sobriety as an almost wholly different existence than the years prior.
2. Get sober. Damn, what a scary prospect my first sober date was. I really didn’t know how to act. What was I supposed to talk about if I wasn’t yet even comfortable in my own skin? What if I got food on my face? I know I wouldn’t even have cared before. So many things were going through my head that I probably came off as some sort of weird loser with no social skills. Those first dates after I got sober were some of the most horrible, failure-filled times in my life. “Hooking up” was definitely the last thing on my mind. But of course, in the end, sobriety, and the choices that I make when sober, are really and truly mine. Now my life is filled with all of the good things that I initially thought were going to happen back when I was a teenager. Hey, it may have taken a while, but I have, at last, a lot of solid love in my life.
3. To the ladies: Make your man feel important. Men are pretty simple. We require very little, in fact, to make us happy. I think we feel more vital and “hot” when we are successful in whatever our particular field or job may be. This probably comes from our instincts as the hunter and provider. When you bring “food back to the cave,” you are appreciated and important. I think relationships fail more often when this mutual appreciation breaks down or is ignored.
4. To the fellas: Open the door for your date, especially if it’s to your bedroom. Old-fashioned values and courteousness never go out of style. Pulling the chair out at the restaurant is also a classy move. Opening car doors and shedding your jacket for a woman when it is nippy are two things that should become habit for you guys out there. Your date will appreciate these gentlemanly gestures and she will never tire of them.
5. The three A’s: Attention, Affection, and Appreciation. These are three things that women crave, and that we men don’t easily or naturally dole out. The “three A’s” are applicable in matters big and small, and shouldn’t be tossed off as unimportant kowtowing to your chick. She will respond in a positive manner, and that is good for you both. It helps if you actually mean the things you say, but it’s not always necessary. Here are two examples, one good and one bad:
Bad: “Hey you, you are HOT! [Attention.] Give me a hug! [Affection.] That felt good! [Appreciation.]”
Good: “Are you wearing new lip gloss? Let me kiss you! I like it!”
Actually, both of these would work, and neither of them are stellar, but you get the idea.
6. Wear something sexy underneath. My Seattle Seahawks (Sea Gals) cheerleader lingerie had usually been my “go to” undergarment to make myself feel good and surprise a lucky girl if the night went that far! You get the drift.
7. Don’t text your date. I believe that protocol during the embryonic period of dating should be as text-free as possible. This early time in a relationship should be nothing short of poetic, and it actually used to be called “courting.” Phone calls and sweet notes are far and away the best way to a woman’s or man’s heart. An unexpected delivery of flowers or chocolates shows women your sensitive side; even Cary Grant would be proud. Don’t tell all your “boys” every last detail, thus spoiling an intimate place reserved in your heart. Girls, the same thing goes for you. If you are “falling for” a person and think you have a future, tell your people that and nothing more.
8. Never split the bill on a first date, especially a Valentine’s date. I’m old-school; the man should pick up the tab. I do realize this is perhaps an antiquated way of thinking, but you can suck it!
9. NEVER say someone else’s name in the throes of lovemaking. If you mistakenly call out your old girlfriend’s name, make some shit up, and QUICK! This is the one instance when I can condone lying. If you can’t remember the name of the person you’re with, may I suggest coming up with some kick-ass moniker that you can remember. You will have to call that person by the same name tomorrow, after all! A name like “my little Irish whorelette,” while it may be good after a couple of cocktails and thence into the “sack,” probably won’t work well in the morning with coffee and danish.
10. When dating my daughters, play by the rules. My oldest is 11, and the time is fast approaching when suitors will start the mad parade of jostling for her young love. Great! I live in the real world, and haven’t buried my head in the sand about this upcoming period in her life. And when that first boy comes to my house to pick up Grace for her inaugural date with the opposite sex, I will be prepared. Remember, I DO know what that little dude’s ulterior motives will be. No problem. I will take the young buck to the side for some ground rules, and it will go something like this: “Hey, bud. My name is Duff and I am Grace’s daddy. Now, I want you guys to have a really excellent time tonight. As a matter of fact, let me store my phone number in your cell. Now listen, I would like it if you had her back home by 11 tonight, and just remember this: EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO OR TRY WITH MY DAUGHTER TONIGHT, I WILL DO THE EXACT SAME THING TO YOU WHEN YOU GUYS GET BACK HERE TO MY HOME! Great, now that that is FULLY understood, have a wonderful time and call me if you might need anything at all.”
Happy Valentine’s Day.
Read Duff McKagan’s column every Thursday on Reverb, SeattleWeekly.com‘s music blog.
