Dear Pet Lady,
I think my dog is a lesbian. I consider myself a very tolerant person, and I do not in any way consider her “defective” or love her any less for it. Still, I have a few questions: If I refuse to let her drag my dirty panties out of the hamper and tear apart the crotch (as she has been wont to do), will I be suppressing her natural right to express and explore her sexuality? Or does she look to me to control her baser impulses? And if I choose to have her fixed (even though she’s not interested in males anyway and thus will not likely become pregnant), could that possibly be construed as a homophobic act? I love my dear sweet dog, and I want to do only what’s best for her. But I also want my panties back. Please advise, Pet Lady.
My Dear, Sweet Dog Eats Panties
DEAR M.D.S.D.E.P.,
The Pet Lady is slightly confused by your tale of ostensibly sapphic canine undergarment molestation. Surely you do not mean to imply that lesbianism consists of the involved parties shredding each other’s panties post-wearing, accompanied by a disinterest in males? And please, dear M.D.S.D.E.P., let us not construe your dog’s interest in your skivvies, however debased it may seem, to be sexual. To even begin to follow this train of thought down the horrifying tracks to its logical wreck of a conclusion gives the Pet Lady the vapors. Anon, to your actual questions, and we shall leave our lesbian friends out of it entirely.
Your dog’s liberation of your underwear from the clothes hamper is—how may the Pet Lady put this delicately—less an expression of any amatory impulse than a fairly normal (if somewhat obsessive) dog-interest in things, shall we say, heavily scented. Should you allow this, dear M.D.S.D.E.P.? As you seem relatively unruffled psychologically by it, the P.L. supposes you should consider in tandem the health of your undergarment budget and the extent to which you would like to indulge your pet friend in her normal if destructive impulses. The P.L. must say she would obtain a hamper with a lid posthaste.
As for the larger issue of whether our animal friends look to their people to control their baser impulses—about this, we may only speculate. Do their baleful stares when caught doing something utterly foul indicate a level of sentience encompassing the ability to experience guilt? Do they seek censure when they partake in activities their human counterparts deem “bad”? Some behavior certainly is intended to attract our attention, positive or negative; but the Pet Lady expects that for the most part, they are just running on their little fur instincts—though sometimes she’d swear from their expressions that they know all too well the subtlest nuances of a situation.
Lastly, your fur friend’s lack of interest in males, sadly, does not mean they will lack for interest in her. As this is another unpleasant path of thought to meander down, do just have her fertility curtailed in a timely manner, and let us put all this out of our minds and have a nice martini. Best to you, your dear, sweet dog, and your underwear,
The Pet Lady
Poofta pet? Send photos and letters to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.
