MY DEAREST PET LADY,

I have a perplexing situation that I believe demands your utmost attention. In our humble domicile, we have both a feline and a canine companion that have become friends but share an odd symbiotic relationship. While the cat does her thing to consume her food and deposit her waste in the proper kitty receptacle (the litter box), the dog finds great pleasure in procuring the aforementioned waste and digesting it only to later deposit it in the yard with her own. In short, the dog eats poop. Now while I do appreciate the help in keeping the litter box clean, I do not share my dog’s affection for these tasty Almond Roca treats, especially when receiving happy licks on the face.

My question is this: How bad is this for my poor poop-eatin’ dog? She has plenty of food and wants for nothing, but yet she still finds great pleasure in these tasty treats. Please shake up a martini and enlighten me.

Sincerely,

Dog Eats Poop

DEAR DOG EATS POOP,

How bad is this for your dog? It is not nearly as bad for her as it is for the Pet Lady. How. Entirely. Horrifying. The world does not contain a sufficient supply of clear-colored liquor to concoct enough martinis to enable the P.L. to give this another instant’s thought. Let us pretend that what you describe never happened, as well as pretend likewise for the description itself. Your dog, as is bounteously evident from the photograph you kindly enclosed, is perfectly fine and very cute for such a vile, vile creature.

Cheers,

The Pet Lady

DEAR PET LADY,

I was moved to write after reading about the plight of Ms. Roscoe Pico Train [The Pet Lady, May 9], for I too have struggled with containing the ever-expanding feline girth of my two supersized cats, Fergus and Maisie (no picture included, for both turn out as large black blobs). Although they are unusually tall, I feel that cats ought to be longer than wide, and so we are dieting once again—but this time with great success!

I have two recommendations for the thoughtful owner of Ms. P.T.: Innova makes an excellent diet cat food that causes neither dandruff nor angst and is full of good, whole foods. My biggest kitty has shed three whole pounds without a whimper.

And as a supplement to the fabulous feather boa, Housemate to Ms. P.T. might consider purchasing Da Bird—a toy that will spur even the most slothful cat to frenzied flipping and leaping. The tantalizing whir of feathers in the air is absolutely irresistible, and even my pussums (who were cruelly declawed by Previous Owner, and thus have little interest in chasing or playing with things) will lie in wait for this toy for up to 15 MINUTES! Anything that will make my 22-pound cats jump is worth a try.

Ever Loyal and Buoyant,

Emily, Fergus, and Maisie

DEAR EMILY, FERGUS, AND MAISIE,

Excellent—nothing like a little product endorsement, loyalty, and buoyancy to take one’s mind off the unpleasantries of the more visceral side of our pet friends. Ms. Pico Train is sure to be extremely grateful for your helpful dietary and recreational hints.

Best to you and the black blobs,

The Pet Lady

Pet problem? Send photos and letters to The Pet Lady, c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western, Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104, or e-mail thepetlady@seattleweekly.com.