Bars are wonderful, magical places. Besides the usual joys of a well-made drink or a cold, crisp beer, they’re also social spaces. In my years in front of and behind the bar, I’ve met plenty of good people, had lots of great conversations, and enjoyed myself immensely. I’m not going to write about that, though, but instead recount some of the more ridiculous things bartenders hear on a regular basis.

Yes, I need to see your ID. I don’t care if you think you look old enough, or if your ID is in your other purse, or if you’re here with your spouse or your parents. The Washington State Liquor Control Board is very clear about the law here, and since I don’t particularly want to lose my job, please come back when you have proper ID, in good condition.

No, I can’t make that one drink you had that one time at that one bar. I mean, I probably can, but since it’s a specialty drink on their menu, and you can’t remember any of the ingredients besides “whiskey,” and you’re not sure what bar it was, let’s just try something on my cocktail list.

Yes, I make drinks well. What kind of insulting question is that? Do you walk up to other people doing their jobs and ask if they’re good at them? I suggest you try that with the next cop or bus driver you see.

No, it’s not the sulfites in red wine that are giving you a headache. You might blame them, even though you probably don’t know what they are or why they’re in the wine. You might even think they don’t use sulfites in France, which is hilarious because where do you think the idea originated? To be honest, the headache is probably from the alcohol.

Yes, tonic water and soda water are actually different. Soda water is just carbonated tap water: Look at the bubbles! Tonic water is flavored with quinine and sweetened, so while it might have been good for British sailors, it’s not the healthiest choice.

No, I won’t change the music. Also, please get down off the bar.

Yes, I’ll take your picture. Once. Then put the phone away.

No, you can’t have a free drink. It doesn’t matter that it was the last shot in the bottle, or that it’s your birthday, or that you’ve already had a few. Hell, I might have even considered being generous, but the moment you acted like you’re entitled, that inclination went away.

Yes, you are drunk. Oh, I’m sure you think you’re fine. I’m glad you’re not driving. However, I deal with drunk people for a living, and trust me, 99.9 percent of the time, if someone tells me they’re not drunk, they are.

No, you can’t have another drink. That’s what last call meant.

Yes, I love you too. Now please go home.

thebarcode@seattleweekly.com