KK’s lady love: an Asian version of this.Greetings from the Philippines! I’ve been on vacation here since Tuesday, and, as I have explained many times, people around here love to karaoke. On Wednesday I met up with my cousin, who moved here from Seattle just after Thanksgiving. He introduced me to this thing called “KTV.” In Japan, it’s just another term for karaoke, but along Roxas Boulevard in Paranaque City, where you see it flashing in neon on numerous establishments along that strip, I learned the “T” and the “V” could only mean one thing.

We arrived at the spot around 10 p.m. The place was called Asian Entertainment Network Manila. A middle-aged lady named Julie met us at the entrance. She seemed to know my cousin very well. As soon as I learned we had to check our cell phones at the front counter, I realized this place was an upscale gentlemen’s club. I’m not real big on the “titty bar” thing back home (hate them, actually), but I was on vacation and thought to myself that there are worse times to be had than watching hot, young Filipino chicks get naked all night. I came to learn within that first hour that that would be the understatement of my entire trip.

Julie escorted us to this big luxurious couch just below center stage. It was a huge showroom. As we settled in, two ladies were dancing onstage. Moments later Julie brought over my cousins’ “girl.” She stood about 5′ 7″, was essentially wearing nothing but a bikini, and, I swear to Christ, looked like a Filipina Phoebe Cates. Julie then told me she would bring me over a nice girl. Not really understanding the scene, I almost told her that I didn’t want one, but instinct took over and I kept my mouth shut. I’m glad I did. Two minutes later Julie brought over this tall skinny gal wearing a string-bikini top and the skimpiest Daisy Dukes I’ve ever seen, unbuttoned and revealing a black lace thong underneath. She sat down beside me, introduced herself to me as “Buffy,” and immediately began caressing my inner thigh. She was insanely gorgeous as well. Her face reminded me of Jaime Pressly in her prime. Before we could get too comfortable on that couch, Julie moved us to our own private karaoke room.

We weren’t completely alone at first. As we settled in and looked for songs to sing, both my cousin and I had a couple dudes giving us back rubs. Apparently this was standard procedure to help loosen up the clientele. So picture the scene: Me and my cousin, two smoking-hot chicks with their legs spread over us wearing next to nothing, my cousin singing Nat King Cole’s “L-O-V-E,” and two Filipinos dressed in white chopping at our backs. It was pretty fucking insane.

Their song catalog was pretty thick. Half the songs were karaoke and the other half were original pop hits. As I searched the book, I knew my game plan for the night would be straight love songs, the cheesier the better. My first number was the late ’80s ballad “One More Try” by Timmy T. The sound in that room was great and my voice was on point. I could tell already Buffy took a shine to me, but as soon as she heard me sing, she got even more affectionate.

After the massage dudes left, things got a bit out of control. I tried not to pay attention to what was going on with my cousin and his lady, but the only way to do that was indulge in what I had going on. I didn’t know the rules, so I followed Buffy’s lead. Halfway into my cousin’s girl’s first song, I was full-on making out with Buffy. I barely had one beer in me. I know it sounds gross–technically, this chick was a whore–but I couldn’t help myself. This girl was smokin’ fuckin’ hot, and if we were alone, I would have taken in as far as it needed to go.

Before I knew it, that first hour went by. Amid all the groping, all of us were able to get in around four songs each. Both the chicks had really good voices (naturally, they’re Filipino). One of the servers checked in and asked if we wanted to keep them around for another hour. It was then that I found out their rate was 500 pesos an hour. That works out to around $10. That really started my wheels turning. As things got hotter and heavier, I couldn’t get completely loose with my cousin there. I asked her how much it would cost for more privacy. She told me I had to ask Julie. During a bathroom break, my cousin told me it was 2600 pesos for unlimited usage of a private room. It was good to know, but I didn’t go for it. I’ve never paid for sex in my life, and as ridiculously cheap as that was, I didn’t want to break that seal. Besides, my cousin told me these girls don’t normally go all out like that, and if I stuck around until 4 a.m. when she got off, I could take her home. He’d taken his gal home a couple times already.

I stuck around until 2 a.m. An hour before I left, Buffy was called up onstage to do a solo. I stepped out to watch her dance. Looking around at the audience, I saw nothing but middle-aged men and Asian dudes my age that weren’t even close to as good looking as me. She totally dug me and I was super-flattered by it. It’s always been a fantasy of mine to date a stripper. We caught eyes a few times as she did her thing, and it felt like she was dancing just for me. I felt like Tommy Lee. To be continued . . .