Dear Dategirl,
I’m 21 and just got engaged to my boyfriend of a year and a half. We moved in together six months ago, and I’ve never been happier. He’s brilliant, sweet, funny, supportive, cute, and he adores me. I can’t imagine finding a better match. We rarely fight, but when we do, it’s always about the same thing: his low sex drive. After first thinking it was a personal failing, I’ve finally come to realize that he’s just not wired to want sex as often as I do.
I love sex, and I’ve always been told that I’m great in bed. I’ve tried everything: waiting for him to make the move, jumping him, changing up location, dressing sexy . . . nothing works. He’ll go along with it to make me happy, but doesn’t seem interested and only finishes maybe a quarter of the time. He’s even fallen asleep!
He refuses to talk about it, so it’s hard to see how we’re ever going to solve this problem. We’re both college seniors and work full-time, so I know he’s stressed and tired, but it’s the same when he has time off.
I’m trying not to make a big deal of it, but I can’t help but want more than the once every week or two he prefers. It’s driving me nuts to quietly sleep next to the guy I want to screw. Do you have any suggestions to either rev up his libido or turn mine down?
—Frustrated
You and your man should rent Annie Hall immediately, just for the classic split scene that has Alvy whining to his shrink that he and Annie never have sex—”only three times a week”—while Annie’s character is complaining to hers that they have sex constantly. Yep. Three times a week.
Differing sexual appetites is an extremely common problem, but Annie and Alvy were both middle-aged. Your fiance is in the midst of his sexual prime and can’t be bothered to throw you a poke unless you beg. You’re not even close to hitting your sexual peak and you’re rubbing against banisters in frustration. Imagine what you’ll be like in your mid-30s when your hormones really start to kick in.
While I’ve noticed that men tend to be hornier when they’re single and live in fear that every vagina might possibly be the last one they’ll ever be allowed to enter, this sounds like more than the usual slow-down that comes with monogamy. Boyfriend needs to start talking. Is he on medication? Is he depressed? Does he still beat off, or is the urge to make sweet love to his hand gone too? Does he have any health issues? Can he please go talk to his doctor? Maybe he’s having second thoughts about the engagement. If so, it wouldn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but realizes that marriage is a huge commitment to make when you’re barely out of your teenage years.
Speaking of which, you guys are 21 YEARS OLD! Why the panic to marry? I’m not going to patronize you—some people do meet their lifetime partner when they’re your age, but why seal the deal legally when you can still have hot sex without any legal ramifications if you change your mind? Since you’re straight, marriage isn’t going anywhere. Why not take it off the table and see what happens?
