Dear Dategirl,
What is the best way to tell my boyfriend I don’t want to see him anymore? We were supposed to spend spring break together, but I don’t want to. He goes to school in the town we grew up in, and we were just going to go camping for the week. It won’t be like he lost a hotel deposit or anything. We usually Skype once a day, but the past couple days I told him I was too busy. He is super-jealous of the guys I’ve been hanging out with lately. The truth is, he has reason to be jealous, because I really like one of them, but nothing has happened yet because I don’t want to cheat. I don’t want to be with my boyfriend anymore either. He sent me flowers yesterday, and wants to talk about something important when I get home.
I think I’m just going to go home with a friend (a girl!) who lives around here to avoid the confrontation. Is it OK to break up with him over the phone, or do I have to go home and do it in person? We’ve been together for a year, if that makes any difference.
—Why Isn’t There a Class in Breakups?
The breaking of hearts is a serious business, so you’re right to treat it with gravitas. Which is not to say you have to schlep all the way back to your hometown to do it in person. You’re in a long-distance relationship, so doing the deed via phone or Skype is perfectly fine.* If you’re using Skype, though, do him a favor and dress down. Wear a stained sweatshirt, zero makeup, and consider faking a cold sore. Why make the poor schmo even more miserable by looking foxy?
Here’s your breakup primer:
• Don’t go into this conversation unprepared. Think about what you’re going to say beforehand. Be clear, but be kind. Don’t tell him you’re ditching him because his penis is shaped like a hamster, even if it is. Somewhere out there is a person who’s been dreaming of a rodent-shaped ween, but knowing it grosses you out will only give him a complex. Instead, tell him that you’ve fallen out of love. There’s really no arguing someone into feeling something they’re not. Believe me, I’ve tried.
• Don’t be half-assed about it. Yes, decisively ending a relationship is difficult, but when you leave hope gasping for breath, you’re only prolonging the agony. Shoot it in the head and walk away. If he tries to reason you out of it, remind him that breakups are rarely a consensus, and your decision is final.
• Don’t take the bait. Once his tears have dried, don’t be surprised if your now-ex goes on the attack, which is one of the bonuses of doing this from a remote location. Resist the urge to get into a petty argument about your faults, and if he starts to get abusive, hang up.
• Don’t be afraid to be the bad guy. Look, you’re hurting someone’s feelings. It’s not nice, but everyone’s done it at some point in their lives. It may hurt him in the short term, but in a couple months he and his hamster cock will be banging some new piece, and you’ll be but a memory.
*Please note that unless you’re ditching the most horrible person in the universe, breaking up with someone over text is never OK. “C U L8r”? No.
