PubliColaUm, Greg? You missed a spot.When Greg Nickels left the mayor’s office in January, he took a path familiar to many ex-politicans. He fled the city, took refuge in academia and grew a beard.Whether Nickels’s Ewokian look is flattering or not is up for debate. But whether it’s a good idea for a politician to let the facial follicles flow is not.Unlike in centuries past, when a deluxe flavor savor was practically a prerequisite for holding office, today’s bearded politicians face an uphill battle: Voters trust them less than clean-shaven candidates. A form of discrimination some refer to as beardism.Sure, Nickels’s replacement, Mayor Mike McGinn, may sport some cheek-shag of his own. But he’s the furry exception, not the rule.Here now, the five best beards in the last 50 years of politics.Bush made him do it.Beard Owner: Al GoreBeard Type: Thinning. Not unlike Earth’s polar ice caps.Why He Grew It: He lost some election. For…president, I wanna say? What am I, a historian or something?What the Beard Says About the Man: Gore’s wooly-mammoth look was the first clue that there may have been more lurking behind the wooden caricature of the Vice President. A hinted-at depth later confirmed by his second act as an environmental crusader and an SNL funnyman.That’s a funny looking cigarette.Beard Owner: Che GuevaraBeard Type: Patchy. Like the lawn of a man interrupted mid-mow by an important phone call.Why He Grew It: It’s hard to find a Mach III when you’re holed up in the Bolivian jungle.What the Beard Says About the Man: Unkempt and missing key parts, Guevara’s chin-pubes are a metaphor for the muddled legacy he left behind. A really, really shitty metaphor.Fact: hair makes man jowls look less jowly.Beard Owner: Robert BorkBeard Type: Chin strap/Koosh ball combo.Why He Grew It: As a masochist, Bork wasn’t satisfied with just having a funny-sounding last name. Hence the creepy Colonel Sanders look.What the Beard Says About the Man:The former Supreme Court nominee is technically not a politician. But his manicured look means he’s certainly got the “draw attention to yourself by any means necessary” pedigree to run for public office.He’s 1/10th ginger kid.Beard Owner: Mike McGinnBeard Type: Evenly-distributed. Reddishly-hued. Mildly Viking-ish.Why He Grew It: It’s a conversation starter. And boy, does this man love starting conversations.What the Beard Says About the Man: Very little actually. It’s mainly just there to keep his face from freezing whilst speeding along on the mayoral Huffy.Fidel actually hates cigars. It’s his beard that’s addicted.Beard Owner: Fidel CastroBeard Type: Bird’s nest. For a condor. A freakishly large, mutated-by-a-uranium-spill condor.Why He Grew It: What’s more socialist than having a beard big enough for a whole country to squat in?What the Beard Says About the Man:

El Comandante is nothing if not giving. Which is why every Easter he hosts an egg hunt for all of Havana’s orphans, strictly within the confines of his massive hirsute headdress.