WoOooOOooOoOoOo! It is I! The manifest spirit of the seventh mayor and

October 28, 2014 12:45 pm
Henry Yesler tells you how to dress for halloween.
Henry Yesler tells you how to dress for halloween.

WoOooOOooOoOoOo! It is I! The manifest spirit of the seventh mayor and “economic father” of Seattle, Henry Yesler! Why, yes indeed, I am the man that steep-ass street in the middle of town is named after. But I haven’t come back from the dead to talk about high-grade topography. In life, my wife and I were avid Spiritualists, which basically means that our favorite holiday was totally Halloween. I’ve apparated here into the present day to give you some highly relevant Seattletastic costume ideas that are scarier than a runaway log speeding down Skid Road. WoOooOOooOoOoOo!

Bertha For this costume you will need a shovel, some shells, and a large tube from Home Depot. Step 1: Go to the nearest plot of soil you can find and dig a 60-foot-deep hole. Step 2: Climb into your Home Depot tube and recruit three or four friends to slowly lower you into the hole. Step 3: Have your friends scatter the shells about the hole. Step 4: Do not trick or treat or move at all until March 2015 at the earliest. Ask your friends in the meantime to research where those shells came from. Who knows? They might be special shells.

I-502 For this costume, you will need a suit and tie, a clipboard, 300 warning letters, and a JUJU Joint. Step 1: Put on your formal government-approved attire. Attempt to appear as officious as possible. Step 2: Map out your trick-or-treat route, which should consist of every medical-marijuana outlet in the city. Step 3: When you’ve reached your destination, knock on the door. Just as the retailer inside reaches out to give you candy, promptly blow recreationally legal JUJU Joint vapor in their face, and serve them a letter warning that they have until July 2015 to obtain a business license that does not yet exist, or face closure. Step 4: Run as fast as you can in the opposite direction. Step 5: Repeat 300 times.

Amazon For this costume, you will need a website and venture capital. Step 1: Go to surrounding candy suppliers and buy up all their product. Take candy from any children you encounter in South Lake Union as well. Step 2: Resell the candy online, severely undercutting the prices of surrounding candy retailers. Step 3: Begin to offer premium free shipping on the candy to bolster sales. Step 4: Once you’ve achieved a monopoly on Halloween candy, hire 80,000 seasonal workers to maintain your dominance.

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Art Credit: Ghost icons by Xavier GironEs from thenounproject.com