KIRSTEN ULVE
Dear Dategirl,
Without getting into numbers, the men I have slept with should represent a decent sample of the now-30something male population. With few exceptions (which I probably just don't remember), they have all been surprisingly quick on the draw. I mean, on their way to Sleepytown in under five minutes. Sometimes within a matter of seconds! My long-term live-in seems to have gotten faster and faster. Although he is careful to take care of me prior to the act itself, I barely have time to say anything filthy before he's wishing me goodnight.
Is a nice slow fuck another Hollywood romance myth, or am I a victim of PE? Is this a challenge for most guys? Are my lady parts super squeezy? Am I getting him too worked up during foreplay? Is he just being lazy? I'll talk to him, but some info or guidance would help.Long Ing Famoore
While it's nice that your boyfriend "takes care of you" before he goes for the two-pump cum-dump, your situation sounds far from ideal. I realize people in long-term relationships get lazy (note to self: shave legs this month), but this is unacceptable. Whether you're tight as a vise or so red-hot he can't hold it, your boy needs to practice some self-control.
Obviously, you need to have a little talk. Let him know a few cursory thrusts does not a sex act make. "But," he'll protest, "I always show you a good time before!"
And while yes, he does—which shows you are not dealing with a selfish jackass—if you're like me, you consider oral and digital fun the appetizer for the main course: fucking. If he were at a restaurant and had a nice salad, no matter how delicious, followed by a matchstick-sized steak, he wouldn't be too happy, would he? Well, he's giving you the sexual equivalent of a Lean Cuisine, and he needs to understand that.
While there are worse problems to deal with (like not getting it up in the first place), this is certainly aggravating. The Mayo Clinic estimates that something like one in three men suffers from PE. Yikes. I had no idea. Some ideas for fixing things:
• Suggest he have a wank first. Maybe once that first pesky orgasm is out of the way, he can last more than a few seconds.
• Start having sex more often and see if repetition slows him down a bit.
• If he doesn't already, have him wear a condom. Yeah, he'll whine, "I can't feel anything." Ignore. You haven't been feeling anything for a long time. Once he's gotten you off, he can get rid of it and jizz all over the place. (Please note I'm assuming you've both been tested, this is a monogamous relationship, blah, blah, blah—I don't want anyone yelling at me for suggesting unsafe sex.)
• Quit with the drinking and the drugging and see what happens.
• He should practice—both with you and on his own. He should get almost to the point of climax and then stop and have you (or do it himself) squeeze the end of his penis—just under the head—for a few seconds until the urge has passed. Step away from the penis until the moment has passed and then start cranking again. Lather, rinse, repeat.
• In order to get his mind off his imminent orgasm, he should try filling his head with disgusting imagery—his mother naked (unless she's hot), poo, zombies—whatever scares the boner out of him.
• He should see a doctor, because PE is sometimes a medical issue.
• He should see a shrink, because it can also be brought on by anxiety, stress, or religious/sexual hang-ups.
• If nothing else works, have his doctor prescribe an SSRI—it's an off-label use for the drug, but doesn't everyone want to be in a better mood anyway?
Good luck!
Judy McGuire is the author of How Not to Date. Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
Reader Comments
With all due respect to Date Girl’s unparalleled wisdom and acumen, I think the issue of — ahem! — PE is best addressed from a man’s perspective. As evidenced by Long Ing Famoore’s letter, I don’t think women truly appreciate what it takes for men to do what they do with their joy sticks.
As was depicted with total accuracy in Woody Allen’s Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Sex *But Were Afraid to Ask, an erection is a precarious Rube Goldbergian jury rig of biological functions that can go array at a thousand different points. Getting and maintaining an erection is truly a mind-over-matter Jedi mind fuck. A woman doesn’t need to be aroused to have sex; a man has to be.
Not to mention that there is no evolutionary advantage to a “slow fuck.” Back in our knuckle-dragging days, the sex act left you vulnerable to attack, either from wild animals or the unfriendly neighborhood alpha male. So men who could “pump and dump” had an advantage over the everlasting gobstoppers.
The truth is ladies, and I think “deep down” we all know this, is that men just aren’t designed to please you sexually, we’re designed to impregnate you, and that, as our exploding population can attest, is something we do very well.
Add to that our diminishing libidos as we age while yours increases, is it too much to ask to cut our slack a little slack? And don’t think we didn’t notice that Rotating G-Spot Rabbit Vibrator you keep at arms length in your night stand, a not-so-subtle reminder of our short comings (pun very intended).
Believe me, we men love a good slow fuck as much as the next woman, we’re just not built for it. Oh, also, sometimes we’re just tired of fucking you. Sorry.
I also will mention that this is NOT something men want to deal with or experience. If you think we're doing this because we mean to, you're totally clueless. Most men suffer from this but never deal with it out of embarrassment. I mean, my and my S/O have been together 12+years and it's damn tough trying to talk about it.
anyway, thanks for making fun of a serious subject.
Like anything in life, if you want to be good at it practice. Sometimes practice alone, sometimes with others.
And stop being so angry...that's half your problems guys...
You are opening a can of worms here girl, this guy will never be able to have sex again. ever
I do not always have this problem - of the past 12 intercourses I've had w/ my s/o, two I have been unable to come. The others, range from 10 seconds to 30 seconds.
If I took care of myself beforehand - again, done it - I cannot get wood again for an hour or more. My s/o refuses to do any foreplay with me, so what do I do?
I have tried to condition myself but it does not work. No. 1 is, a man's hand is never equal to the feel of a woman. My efforts have only led to me wanking so much every day that I can't get aroused when I am actually with my s/o because I've been taking care of myself so much.
No. 3, anyone who tells you the "squeeze" method works is not a man or is clueless. the ejaculate begins in your balls, so by the time it's reached your head/glans, if you squeeze all you do is stop the flow momentarily. when you let go, it oozes out still.
I don't drink and drug.
"Scaring the boner out of him" is not what any man wants...how is losing your boner equated to premature ejaculation?? Again, a woman not knowing a man's body.
Wearing a condom is out of the question because I cannot maintain an erection with a condom on.
I would love to have more sex, but my s/o does not want to...as I said, it's once every four months if I am lucky.
This is a problem that has no easy solution and the recommendations about and everyone saying it's no big deal don't know what they're talking about.
Maybe I am stressed about the issue, but what the hell am I supposed to do? when I blow in 10 seconds, it's an issue with my girlfriend. I suggest solutions, she doesn't want to.
What then?
What is more important...Someone who loves you, stands by you, and who is your real S/O...Or someone who can fu*k a bit longer?
I usually agree with you on most things Judy but on this one you are way off...
Let's get something straight, you cannot control your ejaculate - period. Not when you come, not how much you come, nothing. Can't do it.
As I head toward the age of 40, I can only hope I don't blow in 10 seconds. It's been the same since my first sexual encounter with a woman (at age 17 and a half) Again, remind me - since you're a woman - how you know anything about the feeling of a penis about to ejaculate....oh, that's right....you're a woman. You can't.
Get real.
And unfortunately reading about your situation, I would certainly look for something else. Once every four months is not a relationship. Could it be your penis is trying to tell you something? Maybe you should listen to it? No offense intended, I wouldn't stay in a relationship where I have sex 3 times a year. Something's wrong.
Look, maybe you can "control" it in the sense that if you're feeling somewhat close, you can stop the thrusting. OK, yeah, we can all do that.
My point was, once you've hit the "it's goin blow" point, there is no stopping that. It is scientific fact. Once the flow is going, it is impossible to stop.
Can you delay reaching that point by say, pulling out or stopping? Possibly. an you stop intercourse? yes, sure. But for what? I've tried this method and all you end up doing is stopping every 20-30 seconds and sitting there....doing nothing but sitting there. then, then try to begin again, then stop 20 seconds later....damn, after the second stop, it blows. what do you do? is my girlfriend understanding? hell no.
when I do oral and manual stimulation for 30 minutes and she has all these orgasms, she's totally cool. then with intercourse, if it is 30 seconds, she claims to not care. I know otherwise because we've been together 10+ years and she's always enjoyed the times when it was 2 minutes or longer. again, I have no clue why this happens. one time we had sex, couldn't even ejaculate. then, the next time it is 20 seconds. then, the next time, it is 14 minutes...then back to 10-30 seconds the past 4-5 times...of course, this is a 3-year timeframe, so it's sex every four months.
no, wanking doesn't help. a man's hand is not a woman's vagina. never has been, never will be. you cannot ever recreate the unique, amazing feel of a woman.
I have an average length dong; but is is significantly thicker and bigger girth than average. my head is large and cut and super sensitive. a prior girlfriend (yes, it's been a recurring theme in my life) said the issue may be because of the larger thickness? who knows.
the problem with these "sex columnists" is that 80 percent or more are nothing more than a horny chick willing to write about sex for the free weekly in town. do any of these columnists have any advice? are they there to really help you or the reader? no, if so, they'd answer things with facts and not jokes.