KIRSTEN ULVE

Dear Dategirl,

I am a 44-year-old male and have always enjoyed good sex and believe that an important aspect of lovemaking is an empathy for one's partner. It doesn't work if your partner is selfish, which brings me to my problem.

I started dating this woman who said her second husband had turned her on to the joys of oral sex, which she loved receiving. One night, after a few dates, our kissing became passionate and we proceeded into her bedroom. She said she felt it was too early in our relationship for intercourse. I brought her off with my hand, but she didn't reciprocate. I decided to give her another chance on our next date when she asked me to give her head.

After a few minutes of eating her out, I got very excited and wanted to fuck. She wanted me to stop, so I asked her how I was going to get off. "Use your hand" was her cold reply.

She was very irritable the next morning, and so I left without saying goodbye. When she called a few days later, she seemed surprised that I had been annoyed. She wants to go out again! I told her no, but she doesn't seem to understand what she did wrong. I'm not crazy, am I?Bill

No, you're not crazy. If my boyfriend only wanted blow jobs and never made a move toward taking care of my business, he'd soon find himself in the ex-box. In fact—and I'm sure this will be a shock to no one—I have been in your position. Only unlike you, I kept thinking it would change and gave him far too many chances. Consider it a bullet dodged, my friend.

Do all dates include sex? It seems that you do include sex in the definition of date as you often mention blow jobs.

In my experience, women expect the surrender of free will and personal dignity in exchange for sex, and even hint that you'll be obligated to financially support them for life if the blow jobs are to continue for an extended period. Dating is the extension of bourgeois and even feudal property relations. The tedious, humiliating activities and banal conversation, coupled with the amateur attempts at psychological manipulation one must endure in order to fuck in this society, don't foster the feelings of respect and affection that assure a longer-term relationship. I suggest men pursue women from outside the U.S., where women are more sexually healthy.

I would have thought the "feminist" struggles of the past liberated sex from bourgeois property relations and repressive social prejudice. Maybe it is many women's adherence to reactionary social mores and their desire to be nothing more than breeding drones and housewives that makes many of us angry and bitter.

The unthinking adherence to superficial social constructs that constrain rather than liberate sexual activity hinders your ability to give healthy sexual advice. I would hope you purge your mind of suburban 1950s prejudices before fostering the alienation of any man who doesn't conform to them.

I would truly like to hear your response to these points, even if you don't publish this.P. Pontificator

Do I really talk about blow jobs a lot? I hadn't realized....Anyway, to answer your question (was it really a question?), I think the reason you're angry and bitter is because you are extremely long-winded and more than a tiny bit pompous. Short of slapping someone hello, that deadly combination is the quickest way to alienate another human being. As for your premise that women expect financial compensation for sex, if I were going to spread for the likes of you...well, they haven't minted enough money to compensate me for that task. I'm betting the reason you do so well with the foreign ladies is because they can't understand a word you're saying. Lucky them!

Judy McGuire is the author of How Not to Date. Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.