KIRSTEN ULVE
Dear Dategirl,
In August, I met a wonderful man (age 39) when we both lived in Seattle. His job relocated him to N.Y.C. in September, and after a weeklong visit, we decided that I should come to live with him while I am on a sabbatical from work this winter. While we were dating in the PacNW, and during my weeklong visit, it was great—poetry, flowers, really good sex, and lots of it.
Now, since I arrived to stay in November, there's nothing. In the nine weeks I have been here, we have had sex three times. He says he loves me but is in a funk. Since I'm on sabbatical, I'm doing a little writing and some volunteer work, but I also do most of the cooking and cleaning. Maybe he's seeing me more like his maid/mom, not lover. He's never lived with a woman before, never been married (engaged once and she broke it off after a similar, stress-induced sex-free period). He says his work is demanding (it is), and that he's barely interested in even masturbating.
I am cute, 38, slim, and funny, but no matter what I try, I cannot get him interested in sex (he says he has to be the one to initiate). I think it may be time for me to head back to Seattle.
As I write this, I'm realizing that while I am a smart, educated, driven woman, I am again not able to make a lasting, good choice with a functioning man. I have dated about a dozen men in my life and was with one for seven years, but we split after we realized that I did not want children and he did. My current "housemate" does not talk about wanting kids and has said that he loves sex with me, as there is no fear of pregnancy.
So, any advice for me? I have been looking at jobs here in the N.Y.C. area, but am not committed to staying beyond Feb. 1, as I do have a great job I can go back to.Exile in N.Y.C.
Let's set aside the larger picture for a second. You're on a paid vacation in New York City and you're sitting around cleaning some dude's apartment? A guy who can't even get it together to give up the ween?!? Noooo! That will not do at all.
Get out! Leave the apartment. Go somewhere new every day. Cruise Craigslist and meet strangers for cocktails and/or other activities. Take the ferry. Smile at handsome strangers. Forget about this going-nowhere relationship and take advantage of the fact that you have a free place to stay in one of the most expensive cities in the universe. Have you seen how much N.Y.C. hotels charge? Something like $400 a night! Think of it this way—every evening you waste doing this guy's laundry is $400 you're basically flushing down the toilet.
Quit worrying that you're incapable of finding a functional man—you've been handed this incredible opportunity to explore a new city, basically for free, and you're getting mired down wondering what's wrong that you. Let me tell you something—we ladies who are blessed without a reproductive alarm bell have it easy. Who cares if you're single for a while? What's the panic? Enjoy every minute of what could be a terrifically fun adventure.
As for him, feh. Unless he spends his day performing life-saving microsurgeries or leaping tall buildings in a single bound, I am not buying the job's-too-stressful-to-bone defense. If your job is too stressful for sex, you either get a new job or you learn to deal with it. I mean, get a grip on your priorities, man!
This dude's been dumped before for the exact same reason, so it's not like he's unaware that it's a problem. (And don't even get me started on the he-has-to-initiate crap.) He's chosen not to fix it, and so you just need to make the best out of the situation, which shouldn't be hard. Once you start enjoying yourself, you might decide to stay regardless of where things go with him. And if not, you've got a great place to return to. You win.
Dating dilemmas? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.
Reader Comments
Mr. Wonderful TOLD her he had a low sex drive earlier in the relationship (an intimate, mature thing to do), probably hoping she'll work with him with his problem. And now she's complaining about it, and obviously putting pressure on him to perform -- thus his "let ME initiate sex" response to her, in an effort to avoid those awkward situations. For future reference: pressuring someone to perform when they can't -- is not a boner-popping solution, Exile.
On the flip side, failing to learn from Exile's past relationship of seven years, Exile STILL has not had an honest, direct talk to Mr. Wonderful about the dreaded "kids" issue. She just assumes he doesn't want a family because he's glad he doesn't have to worry about her getting pregnant. Exile, don't assume -- ask! Maybe he wants kids, but not right now. Maybe he doesn't, but this is just the kind of real conversation that allows mature people to feel closer to each other. Don't make the same mistake you made last time -- ask him now, and clear the air. Either way, at least you'll know. Really, you'll feel better.
If exile is going to do something "nice" for someone, cooking and cleaning, to help him out while he's got a demanding new job, why does she feel demeaned like a maid/mother when she doesn't get sex in return? Isn't it enough to offer to do something nice for someone, no strings attached? I don't think he's throwing laundry at you, or putting the pan in your hand. You're enjoying playing house. But if you're not liking being nice to someone -- don't do it! Take responsibility for yourself -- don't resent HIM for that, just because you're not getting sex in return.
Perhaps if Exile got out of her head a little, and reached out to Mr. Wonderful-in-a-funk on a less sexual level, she might be surprised to find his interest in (voluntary) sex with her goes up dramatically -- and maybe the flowers/poetry bullshit, too.
Both Exile and Mr. Wonderful really do seem like decent people. Who doesn't get inside their heads now and then? But I have doubts Exile is really learning from her past, to break out of her dollar-store-romance-novel fantasy needs. If she can't handle a little less sex, maybe it's time for her to go back to the "dollar store," and for HIM to start shopping for the much more rare and valuable commodity -- real intimacy -- say, at "Tiffany's".