The Case of the Uptight Boyfriend

Don't get me wrong—he's not the type that thinks women should be barefoot and pregnant, but what frustrates me so much is that I can appreciate his views and sometimes agree with him, but I get blasted if I happen to enjoy an episode of SATC or a raunchy female comedian.

I tell him that just because I can find the humor in it, that doesn't mean I'm going to want our children watching it or that I share their views.

I guess I'm just tired and can't seem to get through to him. I respect his opinions and try to keep an open mind, but then I get accused of being a raging feminist if I like certain things. I really love this guy, respect him, and love how he treats me except when it comes to this. I inevitably end up walking away because I can't talk to him.

Any suggestions?

Frustrated

My question to you is, how do you manage to have sex with a guy who has such a gigantic stick lodged up his ass? Seriously. Doesn't it get in the way? I imagine he always has to be on top (which I suppose is the way the good Lord intended it, but c'mon, constant missionary can get a little dull, even for Republicans). Did he need to buy a special car seat? Ouchie! And what about pants? It must look like a tail peeking out from his bottom! I guess I can see the appeal in a cute little tail, but otherwise, your boyfriend sounds quite appalling.

Admittedly, I don't have a lot of patience for your problem, mostly because you seem to consider being called a "raging feminist" a bad thing. What's wrong with women believing they're entitled to the same rights as men? That's hardly newfangled crazy talk in my neck of the woods. Your man doesn't respect you—I'd be raging, too.

That Mr. Brainiac gets so incensed over a TV show makes me think he might be a tad unhinged. Um, he does realize that SATC was make-believe, doesn't he? And, much like Scooby-Doo or Matlock, the show wasn't intended to be used as a guide on how to live one's life.

And why is he so threatened by ladies who use the F-word—"fuck" or "feminist"? If I were you, I wouldn't be so sure he's against the barefoot and pregnant policy. If you've only been together a year and he's already such an asshole (pardon my French!), what will he be like in 10? I've got news for you, sister: People don't generally get less uptight as they age—especially Republicans! I'd git while the gittin's good. Before you find yourself with a screaming baby hanging off each titty and another bun in the oven. Yikes.

You seem like a sensible woman. What do you think about people who talk on cell phones in public bathrooms? I'm tired of having to use the toilet while someone in the next stall chats away. I don't get it; you wouldn't bring a video camera or walkie-talkie into a public rest room, so why is it OK to talk on your cell phone? I say, "Shut up and shit!" Please advise.

Thoroughly Disgusted

I'm going to let you in on a little secret: I'm pee shy. Sometimes I can't even go if there's someone in the next stall, so if they're on the phone, it actually makes it easier. I figure if they're keeping busy with other activities, they're not sitting there, ear pressed against the stall wall, straining to hear what my particular brand of tinkle sounds like. (And yes, I realize how neurotic that sounds.)

Got a secret? Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattle weekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.