Beware the Premenstrual Advice Lady

Shitting Where I Eat

I'm going to apologize for my harshness in advance, but the fact is, I'm rabidly premenstrual and Mabel the Cat is really ill and I'm worried about her. So I've got about a gumdrop's worth of empathy left, and you're not getting any. Sorry!

First off, this guy is an asshole. Who answers someone else's cell phone? Especially someone they're having a one-night stand with? I live with my boyfriend, and I don't answer his phone!

And I hate to break it to you, but I can pretty much guarantee there is no ex-girlfriend he's thinking of getting back together with. Pulling the post-sex ex outta the bag is the most tried-and-true trick in the book. "Look, we just had great sex and I really enjoyed playing with your boobies all night, but I spent six years in love with my ex-girlfriend and I think I owe it to both of us to give it another try."

Pfft. Who hasn't dredged up a phantom ex? This guy wanted to fuck you with no complications. And because he found out you had a boyfriend, now he can act all superior and play the hurt guy card and put it all on you.

My advice is to avoid this manipulative cad like he was covered in infectious sores.

Next up comes the most long-winded letter I have ever received. In fact, it's so long that I'm just going to summarize:

•Dude is in love with a chick who won't have sex with him. (Red flag No. 1.)

•All their friends think they have the perfect relationship. (Red flag No. 2, because obviously none of them knew he wasn't getting any.)

•Even though she won't do the horizontal mambo with him, she finds time to cheat on him repeatedly. (Red flags Nos. 3–435.)

•He forgives her and gratefully takes her back, without so much as yelling at her. (Nos. 436–440; may as well stamp "doormat" across your forehead at this point.)

•She cheats again (who could've predicted that!), and he, once more, tries to mend their relationship. (Nos. 441–infinity.)

Anyway, Chatty Chet eventually finds out—from the girl's so-called best friend (!!!!)—that his beloved has a big fat history of being a cheater (albeit a chaste one). He's angry, feels taken advantage of and betrayed. What should he do? He implores me to beat some sense into him.

My answer: Pal, you need to grow a set. Nobody wants to go out with a big girls' blouse. First off, this girl wasn't even giving up the sweet booty action—that alone would be a deal breaker for most people! Then she goes out behind your back and what—gets fingered by her ex? What exactly constitutes cheating among the celibate set? Never mind, I don't want to know.

While, yes, girlfriend was duplicitous and horrible, you need to figure out why you were so willing to bend over and spread 'em the second she said the word. Don't you think you deserve better than that? I'll answer that for you—yes, you do. The bottom line is, you need to respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to.

For the cold, hard truth: Write Dategirl at dategirl@seattleweekly.com or c/o Seattle Weekly, 1008 Western Ave., Ste. 300, Seattle, WA 98104.