Lick Her? I Hardly Know Her!

Wet Wendy

My first thought was that things will improve once he graduates junior high, but then I figured out that you're talking about an actual adult here (if only chronologically). Just when I think I've heard all the retarded little ways people have concocted to torture one another, I hear a story like yours.

For some insight into the male mind, I asked my Special Naked Friend what he thought of your problem. Not a completely unannoying fella himself, I was surprised at how angry it made him. (But then, SNF is extra sensitive to your plight because he hates having his ears pulled, and a certain ex of his used to yank on them constantly and then pull a pout when he got pissed off.)

"He's telling her, 'I'm going to fuck with you, and you're going to stay with me," was his take. SNF went on to say your man was either being extremely malicious and controlling or was simply an idiot.

I think the truth lies somewhere in between. (Though pulling this shit while you're mourning a dead friend can only be defined as a truly moronic maneuver.) I found this sentiment particularly disturbing: "He thinks he should be allowed to do what he wants to me whether or not it angers and upsets me." Uh, no! Wrong!

There are several ways you could deal with this idiocy. I would be tempted to hock a retaliatory loogie right back at his face, but spitting is really aggressive and two wrongs don't make a right, blah, blah, blah. Or, as men like talking about their feelings about as much as they enjoy prostate exams, you could forcefully suggest a round of couples counseling.

I've noticed that certain guys are lacking the empathy gene and cannot put themselves in another person's shoes unless you force their feet into them. Perhaps you could come up with something equally annoying to do to him—like, say, blast an air horn in his face every time he licks you. Yes, he'll be upset by the loud noise (not that it'll be much fun for you, either), but eventually he'll stop. (You'd hope, anyway.)

Then again, you could just tack this column over your bed as evidence that an uncertified advice professional has declared his behavior childish, hostile, and wholly unacceptable. Good luck.

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